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I was first ‘saved’ a few years ago and surrendered my life to Jesus.  As I’ve continued my path to become a better and better Christian woman, yes….I still have my struggles and understand I likely always will.  The blessings are that most of them are changing and new struggles emerge.  When I thought about surrender, I thought….yes, I’ve surrendered my life to God. In my mind it was almost like a checklist item…yes, I’ve done that.  As the months and years have gone by, I see myself trying to grab the steering wheel from God to put things in my own control.  Of course, that’s when I’m least joyful…yet I still try it every once in a while.  Much of this control issue after ‘surrendering’ I find is linked to trusting the Lord.   Yes, we all say we trust the Lord.  But, when the check is a little bit less or later than usual, do you get that anxious twitch in your stomach or side?  Does your chest tighten a little?   How long do you stay that way?  Do you recognize that it’s happening?   When you get into a relationship that is going well, and then you get anxious about it.   How long does it take you to realize what your mind is doing to the relationship?  Where is God in that?  Whatever it is that is your ‘hot button’, how long do you stay in fear or anxious over it?

What I’ve come to realize is that surrender isn’t a one-time offering.   The days I’m most joyful, feel I’m living more purposefully and have the most peace are the days I remember to surrender myself to the Lord in the morning.   To declare to Him that I trust him with everything in my life.   I don’t want to give the wrong impression.  I don’t just exist and think God’s going to get me to work, although, He will get me there safely.  Our responsibility is still to take action, but to do so in faith.

There is a LOT rolled into surrender and trust, isn’t there?  I would ask you if you have stress and/or fear in your life, are you putting on the whole armor of God every day?  We are not strong standing as an island.  Our strength comes from God and we can ask for it.  He will build you up.

For me, the biggest battle by far goes on in my head.   Negative or incorrect thoughts….projecting thoughts into the future which makes no sense.   There is a lot to be said for living in the present moment with total faith.  In order to maintain joy and peace in the face of society today, I strongly recommend using all the tools at your disposal.  I think many of us pray and read Scripture.  How often do you read Scripture out loud?  Our words are very powerful.  We can use them to protect ourselves and to strengthen our armor.

Try putting on the whole armor of God (Ephesians 6: 13-17). If you don’t currently arm yourself with any, start with one or two pieces.  Start reading Scripture…then move into adding prayer…living more and more righteously….I bet you see that your life and your trust grows creating more harmony within you.   It will affect your relationships with everyone and more of satan’s darts will bounce off.   Once you’re more protected, beware of your weaknesses….satan’s a lion and will jump the moment you’re not squarely facing him, ie: be watchful.

I make the above observation because when I get lazy in putting on my own armor, my mind goes places it has no business going and it affects all of my relationships and my quality of life.   The moment I move back into my Bible reading, using my promise book to read Scripture excerpts out loud, pray, and do my best to live more and more as God wants a Christian woman to live…..my mind turns into a very calm and peaceful place.  I guess you could say that whatever shoes I’m wearing turn into my “shoes of peace”.

The goal of my posting is to encourage those that are having stress and anxiety to relieve those feelings.  They are so harmful in so many ways, spiritually, physically, emotionally, etc.   It is also to help you recognize when you feel anxiety and fear, how to find trust in the Lord.  I recognize this isn’t like turning on a switch but through faith and the armor of God, you can get there.   It took me about 8 months to lose my financial fear when I was going through divorce.  When I feel a twinge of financial anxiety, I recognize it quickly and turn to the Lord to get rid of it and trust that He is taking care of me.  I am very far from perfect and hope to encourage anyone in fear.  I understand and wish you blessings and pray for you.

I leave you with a quote from my favorite Casting Crowns song, “Just Be Held”:  “Your world’s not falling apart it’s falling into place, you’re not alone stop holding on and just be held”.

Wishing you peace, love, perfect health, joy, faith, trust, surrender, blessings, and tons of laughter!!!

Remember, God made you and loves every bit of you.

CD

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It’s been a while since I’ve written.  I have been inspired and then felt that the ‘lesson’ was not complete and then inspired, and then not ‘complete’ so I’m just going to pick this up where it’s at!  I know I’ve written on setting boundaries in my life before.  I’ve also written about where is God’s boundary and does he have one and the differences of opinion on that.

Today I’m revisiting boundaries in our lives.   I have been very blessed through prayer, experience, and spoken verses from the Bible to have received emotional healing of childhood wounds I thought were already healed.   Apparently, forgiving someone does not equal personal healing and is just the first step.  Silly me.  I had not realized that I was interacting with people looking to be validated in my life, especially with men.   However, this experience was true for most of my personal relationships.

An interesting dynamic starts to show itself when you begin to realize as the son or daughter of God, you are already valid.  Not only do you no longer seek validation, you also gain self respect.   In gaining this self respect, your interaction with historical relationships may begin to change.   Behaviors you once found acceptable or allowed you no longer tolerate in your life.   I find my reaction can be strong or defensive if I’m not self aware.   It appears as if three of my close friends overstep boundaries that I never recognized before.  It has caused me to pray and ask the Lord if I’m bringing these reactions into my life or if it is just a matter of recognizing the inappropriateness of behaviors.   I prefer not to lose friends but find it necessary to establish new boundaries of what is acceptable.   I am a firm believer in you are responsible for what you allow in your life.  I think with an approach of love things will work out….and of course prayer.

I’d be curious if others have had this experience and what typically happens…..do you develop new friends or do existing friends adjust to your newly ‘framed’ self?

This blog is nothing but consistent: relationships and God.  The interesting dance of how relationships can bring you closer to God and how God can clarify and form relationships….and change your perspective.

As a woman born in the Northeast US, I had some ideas of what the man I want to marry might be like.   My marriage that is now ended was one where I was co-dependent.   Now that I have come through that and have a relationship with Jesus, that picture has changed significantly.  Even now, I am finding lessons in my ideals versus what I could and should be looking for in a partner.

In this recent blizzard, I was left alone.  My “boyfriend” (I quote it becuase he’s a grown man) said he’d rather stay in his apartment than be here to help me.  Knowing we were likely to get about 30″ of snow and potentially lose power, I was very hurt.  Now that I’ve come through the storm and he obviously feels like a worm at this point seeing what it was like and that there was a travel ban so he could not come to help me…..what a different place I view that relationship from.   I have been praying and mulling over how uncared for I felt…feel.   I made it through last winter alone and was fine.   Which brought my mind to, “when I was alone”….so now what am I?  Not alone?   Yes, you can imagine a slight pity party in my head, can’t you? Luckily, I don’t allow myself to stay in self pity for very long.   However, this did make me look at my relationship with a whole new perspective.

Is it fair to expect a man to be my rescuer?  I think to some extent, yes.  A man’s love is demonstrated through actions.   However, if his apology is real, genuine, and he was truly being a block head for a moment, then what?   Is it devastation that I couldn’t count on him?  Is it significant? Yes and no.   We will see how things go.   I’m hurt, disappointed, but mostly, very pensive.    If this life truly is a temporary assignment before eternity, then how much does all of this matter?  It matters more, I think, that the person has a relationship with Jesus.  It matters if he does think more about how to be a helpful and supportive partner.

Then, it came to this.  Who can I count on 100% of the time?  Me? another human being?  Not really.  The only one, Absolute entity I can count on 100% of the time, is the Lord.  And you can take THAT to the bank!

People will be what they are going to be.  We make decisions about who we have in our lives and how we can best serve our purpose here.  When you understand that God has you, it becomes SO much more important to walk with Him, closely. It matters to have a close relationship with Him and that you work on building that relationship every day.  God will be there long after this brief life we have here. Jesus will hopefully welcome me to Heaven.  Can you truly ask for anything greater?

Given that knowledge and when we start to walk more closely with God, I think we shed a lot of baggage.  We do not get ‘offended’; we realize that everyone is only capable of being who they are on their journey.   Expectations, whether we set them or someone else sets them for us…they drift away.   To a certain extent we become naked again.   No baggage, no pretenses….just you in front of Jesus wondering if you’re being the person He would want you to be.   Once you are standing there, raw, really seeing yourself, the other person becomes ‘naked’ as well.  You don’t look at what they say about themselves.  You observe their actions and who they are to you without expectation….just the thoughts and actions exchanged.   You stop judging them and you shed your expectations of them.

Then, through the emotional processing and prayer there is the blessing.  Knowing that you choose to walk more closely with the Lord and that only His love is never-failing, beautiful, graceful, and something to consistently strive to build inside you and in your life.

How can you be angry with someone that builds your faith? I don’t think you can.

Wishing you perfect health, love, joy, laughter, and knowing your purpose in this life.  God bless!

CD1

Today I am writing about boundaries.  There are two contexts in which I present them.  The first was based on a wonderful service given at church by an engineer. The way he framed and asked where your boundary is with regard to your faith established a wonderful platform to discuss boundaries.  After the service, my beau and I were discussing where our boundaries are as far as how far spread the Lord’s reach is.  He believes that about 1% of things are random.  I was very engaged at the thought.  As far as my faith, I believe nothing is random; there is no luck; there is no karma…..everything in the past, present, and the future God knows and either allows or is part of.  This then begs the question, how could He allow AIDS, ALS, Ebola, natural disasters, plane crashes, etc.?  The way I frame it is that I think there’s more to it in the large scale of things that we couldn’t possibly understand. I don’t understand a sick child or the death of a child and it pains me beyond comprehension.  However, I have to believe that child is with the Lord, in a much better place and I pray for the comfort of those around the family suffering.  So by saying that I do not believe in randomness…is not to say that I do not feel for those suffering.   I want to be clear about that and have you in my heart in prayer.

However, what I did learn is that my border doesn’t exist when it comes to the Lord; where my beau’s is 1% less than infinity.  Learning about our perspectives and faith definitely helps me to understand where we differ when we speak of or discuss our faith.  It was inspiring to think about how I think about the Lord and whether or not there are either limitations or anything that is not in His control.

The second context of boundaries is setting them in relationships. I believe this is also related to the rescuer behavior and bursts of anger but I’ll explain that towards the conclusion.

I have had several friends talk to me about being ‘offended’ by people in their lives. Our Pastor speaks about never letting anything come between you and another Christian.  Let things go and don’t be offended or hold a grudge.  I believe that and it struck me deeply.

I will use myself as an example related to setting boundaries.  I have a friend who has been ‘saved’ for decades, unlike me, the newbie, not even three years yet.  The two of us have a lot in common.  She is quite gabby which I believe comes from unhealed emotional wounds, but I digress.  When we get together we tend to be very close and intense and then in a mater of anywhere from two weeks to three months, we blow up.  After a couple of episodes of this, I’ve observed that if I take a step back when I feel the relationship getting really close again…it resets things back to where we’re excited to see each other and happy.  I now set very clear boundaries around this friendship and I’m able to love her more consistently and stronger and be a better support to her in her life and faith.  She is a lovely person whom I pray heals her wounds of many years.

This is not the first time I’ve had to set boundaries with people in my life and I find I have more peace and love in my life since I’ve observed and made changes.

Enough about me……Observations:  I have one friend who has been a very supportive and loving friend to another woman who is much younger. That younger friend is, well, let’s just say, running back to the flame that burned her already for four years.  Now that she’s running back to that flame, she doesn’t want to hear about what’s best for her because she knows it, yet hasn’t grown or matured enough to make better decisions for herself.  As you can imagine, she’s suddenly distant to the woman who has listened and supported her for years related to this same issue.  So there are at least two frustrations if I put myself in my friend’s shoes. First, she’s listened and supported this friend for years yet after a hopeful few months of separation, she’s drinking from the poisoned well again.  Second, the blatant and quick separation makes my friend wonder if she was ever really her ‘friend’.  The other woman is younger and rebelling.  She’s never had a mom figure in her life before so my friend is the mom she’s rebelling against, I think.  My friend is intelligent, beautiful, faithful, and would guide anyone on a virtuous and healthy path, like a mom would.  So what now?  What is there to learn from this?  Observing this behavior, I recommend my friend create a little distance and not just jump back into the ‘mom’ role which I know she won’t.  Rather than becoming offended, look at it as a learning experience.  Think about where to set boundaries with this relationship so you can consistently love this person, be supportive, but not be offended when she needs distance.  The most important learning here, I think, is understanding the dynamic and how to manage it so you don’t own other people’s actions.  Some people are blessed and can give and give and give a lot of themselves and are mature Christians to understand never to own other people’s actions.  Then there’s the rest of us…learning one step at a time how to be solid no matter what is going on around us.  Everyone has his/her journey and to respect that is a beautiful thing.

Now to circle back to the rescuer mentality and bursts of anger. The rescuer is the person that wants to help another and will be supportive.  Some rescuers do this to the point of overwhelming the subject they’re rescuing and some have a toned down version they exhibit.  However, the rescuer almost always gets offended, hurt, and angry when their subject does something different than their instruction or falls back into the same situation because they are personally invested in the act of saving the subject.  If they took their personal investment out of it, then the offense doesn’t happen or not for long, and they’re likely not surprised the moth has flown back to the flame now that it’s not personal.  They can observe the subject’s patterns.

So where does the anger come from?  Whether you’re a rescuer or not, when you allow people to treat you badly, is it really them that you’re angry with?  Or are you truly angry at yourself for not setting healthy boundaries to not allow people to treat you badly?  I know I’ve written on this subject a few times so I won’t go deeply into it…but I invite you to consider this as food for thought.

Big deal, so what? Boundaries?  I was inspired to write this because when I experience the same topic surfacing through relationships repeatedly, then it inspires me to help others that might struggle with this same topic.  I only wrote about one friend but honestly, I’ve had at least five friends tell me about similar circumstances in the past two weeks.  Is there a call to action for everyone?  Maybe.  Do you have a relationship that is trying or where you may not have harmony?  If you set a healthy boundary, could you then maintain a better, more consistent relationship with that person, even if it means some distance here and there, or even frequently?

I hope this helps someone and I pray for your happiness, health, and faith!
May every day be filled with laughter and joy!!

God bless,
CD1

I am overwhelmed and in awe of the gifts I have received from God over the past few days.
I have really shifted to trusting and knowing that God will take care of me no matter what. I know and understand that my plans are ok but if they’re not working out, it’s because there is a bigger plan that is more perfect than I could ever imagine.  I guess you have to call it blind faith when you don’t see what you want but you still trust that what is in your best interest is what is happening.

Gift Number One:   A couple of weeks ago I thought maybe I am supposed to pay for my bad decisions; I will pay for mine and my “soon to be” ex’s.   I told God that if it is best to pay for money mismanagement and gluttony and marrying the wrong sort of man…that I would pay for my share and his. I trust that He will create a way for me to pay for everything on my own and take care of me.

Today was ‘meet with my lawyer’ day regarding the next steps in my divorce. As my lawyer started to discuss the assets and liabilities and possibilities…I felt fear creep into my chest.  Immediately I thought…no.    You have no place here. I trust you, God, to take care of me and that I am in your incredible hands…..and I let the fear leave and felt comforted knowing that whatever is supposed to happen would happen and I will be fine.

When I left the meeting…I started to soak in everything discussed.  I am in a much better position than I ever thought I would be.  All sorts of things that created a safety net so to speak in the agreement became evident. That was my gift today – to feel the comfort of knowing I am taken care of and to end up in a position I never could have imagined.

Gift Number Two:  Yesterday morning I prayed that somehow my thoughts could be changed.   Can I please be more patient, kind and gentle…and treat others with utmost respect and compassion.   In less than two hours….I had the tool to make these changes. I still have chills every time I think about it. I wanted to lose my critical and petty thoughts and shift out of that ‘space’.  I am very newly saved so I am learning how to be a better Christian. In my final ‘access class’ I learned to treat everyone as if s/he is Jesus because Jesus is in all of us. When I think of people that way…it creates a new level of patience and compassion. I still slip into my lesser self with thoughts but now I have a tool to work on keeping forefront in my mind to maintain the most important commandment, ‘to love one another’. To elaborate even further..the service was about what it means to truly be a friend and in fellowship and how not to be a “drive by” Christian.

Gift Number Three:  The gifts have been both spiritual and material. I was wondering how I was giong to pay for my animals’ food and some other things, put gas in the car, etc. when an overflow of things have randomly come to me. A business partner said I had a credit so they sent me a check for $186.00 which arrived Saturday. Today I received a gift card for $120 from my internet/phone/cable company. When I went to my usual and favorite pet store….they had set aside freeze dried samples for me that I’ve been supplementing my cats’ dinners with. I have two cats with hyperthyroidism and 2 out of the three get bladder stones which can be fatal and/or expensive to remove. They must have given me at least $60-$100 worth of free samples and some for the doggie, too. They said they were just going to throw them out but they thought of me.   Sooooo generous!!   Just touches my heart!!!

It is moving…..how I feel taken care of in every way. I am filled with awe..it is not some awe, awesome,…..it is completely overflowing with awe! AWE-FULL!

I have had many a belly laugh lately. In my small group meeting a woman who has been truly a Christian since she was a little girl said, “Well, when you become a Christian there are valleys and mountain tops so just manage your expectation.” My response was, “Well, I don’t want to because I don’t want to believe there’s a valley…I don’t want to come down from the mountain top.” To which she responded with laughter, “I meant you’re in the valley and you have some fantastic times coming your way!” I burst out laughing and I do every time I think of it. The joy I feel no matter what else is going on in my life has been different, life-changing, thought changing, thought-provoking, beauty in motion and emotion, nothing like I’ve ever experienced. I feel as if I am changed forever and am eager to learn and be more. I was thinking about this exchange while tidying the house and I just laughed until my stomach hurt and thought…yes…this is the state I want to be in when I write my next blog..so here I am…in total joy, overwhelmment, and love. I had a few moments of grace this morning. I have meditated and done many other techniques but nothing was like the feeling that came over me this morning….and it wasn’t coming from me. It came upon me, from above and in front of me. I would give anything to have that experience again.  The last and most wonderful gift yet!

I realize this particular blog is a little choppy….more like a list of gifts….but this list has significant meaning to me, to my heart.   Gratitude doesn’t even begin to express how deeply I have experienced these gifts. I had to share them.

Wishing you love, light, peace, joy, and grace…always,

CD1

Fasten your seat belt, this might be a longer post than usual…maybe a cup of tea or a latte?

I asked God for learning about 36 hours ago…learning that I need to not repeat mistakes in my relationships for the future and how to be the best person I can be.  I did use the context of “I’m ready” as well.  I guess I am/was because it came flooding in.  I’m going to go through a series of events in my life that led to this significant enlightenment.  Once I had it, it seems so obvious and so, almost, coy.  Somtimes until you get it so that it strikes you from soul to skin…I don’t think you really understand the significance.  This one shook my world and brought clarity to so much.    I was told this was likely before but I wasn’t able to receive it in such a way that gripped me and showed me what it really means…so here we go!

About a week and a half ago an ex-bf texted me..had some of my things, shame to throw them out…could put them in a box and he’d be happy to deliver himself!    We broke up early Feb so it’s been about 9 months.  Prior to that, I heard he went to a place I frequent looking for me in June and Easter he sent me a simple “Happy Easter!” text.  To his most recent text I replied, “that would be fine. ty”  to which he replied, “Are you working from home today?”   I don’t believe that’s any of his biz so I was polite but not warm and basically said if I wasn’t home he could leave it in or on the milk box on the steps.  To which I never got a reply nor did a box ever show up.            What disturbed me was my reaction.  At first I just shook out of anxiety for a few minutes.  Then I got back into my own skin and thought….Hey, you know you don’t want a man that wasn’t nice to you, is more proud than caring, and views women as a commodity so chill out.  and I did.  then….about a week later it was almost like a little program started to run.  I started to think about him.  And over a few days I started to feel worse about myself and I realized that it was like a little computer program got triggered and I became the less confident woman that I was when I had dated him.  The observation was very freeing and I let go of that baggage.  I was a little concerned that it even happened and asked for guidance.

Yesterday I heard from my soon to be ex.  He wants some of his things from the house and a few things that are considered ‘ours’ from the house.  I responded directly and politely with the legalities of everything and was glad he was well.  The shaking came back for about an hour and we had a couple of brief exchanges and then that was it.   I was recovering from that and wondering why I would be upset when I checked my home voicemail.

My dad and his girlfriend of 23 years have been having their difficulties.  However, she has decided that it’s time to pick on me so my father listens to her complain about me every day for a large portion of the day.    I, unfortunately, know about this because my dad has told me what she says about me.  Meanwhile in June I confronted her and asked why she didn’t like me anymore..she denied everything my dad said that she says and we were ‘ok’ and agreed to have direct communication.  None of this talking to everyone except the person you have a problem with “stuff”.  I guess she could not keep to that.  So she’s at it again and it hurts because we were close.  However, it’s beyond my control.   I don’t know what to do at this point.  I know I’m not emotionally ready to be the ‘bigger person’ that I was last time with this repeat problem.  So why is this important?  Well, here comes Thanksgiving!  Lookout. family time!  I was all set to volunteer on Thanksgiving and stop at a friend’s house in the evening when I got a call last week from my dad.   He said he’d like to go to dinner with me because he couldn’t enjoy his dinner at his gf’s daughter’s house knowing I was alone on Thanksgiving.  I was overcome with his thoughtfulness and love.   I really felt cared about for the first time in a long time.

And then the voicemail yesterday…..his tone was critical as usual saying, “I understand Susann’s daughter invited you for Thanksgiving and you declined.  Sometimes you have to be the bigger person……”  I emailed him back to explain that I’m not emotionally equipped to deal with the situation, etc.  We had some ok exchanges and I gave him an ‘out’ and we were talking about having dinner the night before together when I realized….I went from feeling so loved to feeling like an inconvenience.    I welcomed the interruption to this energy as I had plans to see a movie with a friend.  On the drive home it struck me like my own personal earthquake…guess you might call it a soul-quake.   And what I’m about to say I would like to preface with the knowledge that many many people, men and women, have been worse off than I was and am….this is just my personal soul-quake.     My father has never told me I’m pretty or beautiful.  He’s never said I could do or be anything.  He’s never said much except for criticism my entire life.  When I talk to my dad 99% is either about him or it’s criticism of some kind.   And it ripped through me inside and out…..I have been looking for self-esteem, personal value, personal beauty…all the things I had expected and wanted from my dad from external sources, ie: men.     There it was like someone stamped it on my forehead for the first time.  I have been uncertain why the crying came and still comes but now I realize that I’m grieving for what I did not receive and still have not from my dad.    Sure, you could have told me that a few months ago and I would have said, yeah, likely.   I tend to learn things the hard way but I learn them well when I do learn them, thankfully.  And this one I would not have really understood or learned unless I had that experience with every cell in my body and spirit.

So why did I shake when the ex bf contacted me? When the ex contacted me?   This ‘bond’ I had with these men for me was linked to my self-esteem, value, and beauty validation.  It was a deeper part of me looking to connect and get what it needed.  It’s also why my father’s gf creating problems bothered me so much as she’s part of the source of love from my dad.  I am investigating my next steps to heal these wounds and feed my soul so that I can be fulfilled and feel like a full person not needing anyone else’s validation.

I am grateful for this experience as the gift from it is tremendous.  The opportunity to grow as a person and become more than I am now will enable me to contribute more positively and with more value to all of my friends and family and to the world.  I asked….and boy did I receive within 36 hours.  I am truly blessed and look forward to the next chapter in my life.

Wishing you peace, unconditional love, self-discovery, and joy, always!!!

CD1

I had wondered why when an exclusive relationship broke up, I am a little devastated and it takes me a while to heal.
Am I needy? Not particularly.
Would I prefer to stay in a relationship that wasn’t serving either of us? No, definitely not.
So why the pain?

Recently I’ve been watching all sorts of videos and snippets on love, relationships, and what it means to be physical with someone in a relationship.

Well, it’s not that I am needy, desperate, mal-adjusted, issue-ridden, etc.
Turns out, I’m likely in better balance with my spiritual and physical than I thought.
This is something I have been working towards for years with yoga, exercise, nutrition, meditation, some hypnosis and subliminal work, etc.
Turns out, it makes sense. What was I doing wrong? I was not taking proper care of my body.
Often we eat organic foods, we exercise, we moisturize, we anti-age cream ourselves…do a lot of things that help the body inside and out.
Yet….at least for me, I forgot that my soul lives inside this wonderful body, too.

My most recent learning is that when I make the decision to be physical with someone I’m in a relationship with….I’m giving them not only my body but a piece of my soul. They are connected, not disconnected. This is very significant and explains the pain I’ve felt and still feel since my last break up of almost a month ago.

If I had looked at it that way….like I was giving this person a piece of my soul…would I have gotten physical with him? Easy answer there…heyl NO! Not at that point.

Some people might think I’m nuts and well..that’s ok. I am not one of those people that is disconnected spiritually from my body. I innately knew this but the synapse hadn’t carried its way to consciousness.

So, it was comforting that I understand why so much pain…but not comforting that I had not been taking better care of myself with such a significant part of me.

From now on, the person will have to be a worthy partner before the physical aspect of a relationship could be remotely possible.
I think this is the final way (aside from financial independence) to take care of myself and love myself properly to be a better woman.

This shift in perspective and consiousness has been strangely profound and very freeing.

I hope this helps someone out there. Wishing you love, peace, happiness, joy, and to find your passion in life and live it..always!!!!
Most sincerely,
CD1

I am feeling a little creative today and looking to shift my energy to a better place. I thought I’d just share some thoughts on Fall. It’s my favorite season and maybe that explains how my life has evolved.
It’s sunny and beautiful one day, chill and crisp the next. The temperature from the day to the evening can vary up to 30F sometimes. Most of all, I think it’s the gentle and even sometimes rough wind of mother nature letting me know that it’s necessary to shake the tree every once in a while to promote proper growth.
It’s my favorite time of year to take leisurely walks. No matter where I roam I can almost always count on the feeling of being uplifted by the breeze, observe the debris from a vibrant Summer now being thrown into it’s next step to provide a fertile foundation for the next year’s growth.
The once strong green or red leaves now start to show their other colors that have been there all along but have been covered by their strength. Slowly they allow themselves to be more and more vulnerable until they finally are coaxed off of their tree.
It’s a churning of the existing and a promise of the new and a signal that the next step has to be taken.
Nature moves forward without resistance, embracing every new environment knowing full well that there is always a tomorrow.
So much can be learned from embracing change and enjoying the process of it knowing all the while, tomorrow will be at least as beautiful if not more so.
It’s a lot like life. Even when you’re sad, having pain, maybe focusing on a previous ‘season’ in your life….enjoying the present knowing that the current changes are preparing you for another day….feeling taken care of in that energy and feeling ‘safe’ in that energy. I am so much a student of life and feel that I always will be that I think if I can embrace the season of change….and apply the beauty of it to my own life…then every moment I do this will lead to a happier and happier moment.

I wish you love and gentle, beautiful, appreciative change in your life and hope that no matter what, you always know you are loved and that every day will be better and better.

Love and peace..thank you for reading.

Most sincerely,

CD1

I thought my learning might help someone out there so I’m posting this little tidbit.
Take everything you miss from your last relationship and write it down.
I miss feeling safe in his/her arms
I miss sharing my personal growth learnings with him/her
I miss feeling desirable to someone
etc..
Take all of the things you miss from the relationship and create a map for getting those things into your life…without someone else in your life.
For example…I miss feeling safe….for me, that means a roadmap to being financially independent. So what do I need to do? For me it means three things…
a. Grow my business within my company as that’s the fastest way to get more revenue
b. Look for a marketing position while I’m growing my busienss (this happens to be what I’d like to do eventually either instead of or in addition to my business)
c. Grow my skillset…for me, learn about Google Analytics, Google Adwords, SEO, Dreamweaver, and digital marketing as that’s the direction the marketing world is taking.
When I focus on improving my financial situation I know I’m taking steps towards feeling ‘safer’ in my life. This I have found is where my need for ‘safety’ has come from.

Next? Well, sharing my personal growth learnings…hmm….that means I need more friends that are more like minded. How do you do that?
Depends on what your beliefs are and your philosophy is. I’m open minded so for me it goes from getting more involved in church, signing up for a 2 hour meditation with tibetan singing bowls, and finding other events or organizations that would likely attract people of a similar path.

Now how on Earth do you feel desirable when someone else isn’t in your life? Not so hard. Buy a sexy outfit or something you think you look particularly great in. Whiten your teeth. Color your hair. work out. Eat healthier. I laughed to myself last night when I had an acquaintance suggest diving into a pint of ben and jerry’s cookie dough to sooth my heartache from my previous relationship. My mind immediately went to how would I feel better? I’d feel ok eating it. Afterwards, I’d feel much worse. So it motivated me to go to the gym and do longer cardio with a few pushups and things because after I work my body, I always feel better. Focus on the end and work your way back and find your motivation from wanting to feel better about yourself. I find that has been a very pivotal part of my change in behaviors. It can break old, strong habits if you are very goal focused and know for sure what you want…than just work your way back. IE: If I do x then when I’m done or get home or whatever it is..I will feel _____. If it’s a good feeling..then do it. If it’s not….then maybe figure out a better alternative.

Ok, this turned into a bit larger than a tidbit but I hope it helps someone. It was a significant learning for me so I hope it helps someone else, too.

Love to you always..and happiness and health.
CD1

Most recent life events?

Finally filed for divorce; ex is now moved out; recent break up with 3rd bf since I knew I was getting divorced; mom passed away…..guess that’s enough for now.

After the past few months I’m taking a break from love, at least from the opposite sex.  There are so many thoughts whirling as I write this tonight.  I thought I was clear before I sat down.  Some of the key points on my journey that I have learned have been overwhelming, all-consuming, and freeing.

I’ve written about the first two bf’s.  Got my head clear after the second to learn why I was making poor choices. The third taught me that no matter how hard it is for ‘him’ or for me, to stick to what is best for me and not to acquiesce out of sympathy or any other reason.

Of all the personal growth that I’ve learned and digested over the past 15 months it is to get your ‘house’ in order…get your spirituality clear, who you are, what you want in life, what is your focus…and be financially independent.  I am, at this moment, working on becoming financially independent.  Which means until that time, there is fear related to the mortgage, bills, etc.  I am embracing that fear and not letting it own me…but acknowledging it and accepting today.   To be fully happy is to be able to exist in the world with all of these areas being at least stable or growing.

This last bf is on a similar journey as I am but has an addiction…..it was not a good idea to get involved until he was well past his 12 steps and then some.  Yet, I did not listen to my own intuition and got involved when I knew better simply because he said, “but I love you and thought you would be there to support me through my program”.  So the big question is why?

I’m sure there may be other women out there like me that feel like one of the greatest experiences in the physical is to have the ultimate love.

There are two learnings I am taking away from my latest experience….first, you can’t make successful choices when you are not fully taking care of your ‘house'(figurative).  Second, what am I putting as the most important relationship in my life?  For me, maybe not for  you, God and Jesus ‘should’ be my priority and then the worldly concerns.  For you, maybe it’s a spiritual existence of another kind or love of self…and that’s perfectly fine to interpret in a way that works for you.   For me, a strong relationship with God is the same as loving myself.

How can I feel safe in a man’s arms if I don’t feel safe in my own?

What can I bring to a relationship if I’m dependent in any areas of my life?

How can I make the best choices if I feel dependent or invested in an outcome of some kind related to it?

Deepak Chopra talks about the law of detachment.  I am learning to work on a new relationship with myself before getting involved with a lover again.  I am detaching myself from the need of a relationship with the opposite sex for a while to stand on my own, feel safe on my own, feel loved on my own, exist financially independently, and improve what I can offer to the world.

If it helps you, ask what is owning you in your life?  What owns you versus you owning it?  What makes you feel destroyed if it goes away?  I hope it is nothing….that you are more successful than I have been to this point.  If not, I invite you to investigate and see if your priorities are where you’d like them.  If not, maybe you can make little changes to move closer to where you’d like to be and maybe you can save yourself some pain and learn without having to experience it.

I have been very blessed by having these experiences and learning from all of them.  Painful? Heck yes. Worth it?  Heck yes. In a million years I will still choose to love, feel, learn, experience, and know that the path ahead is beautiful no matter the pain on the way.  I hope at least the lessons are better learned through pain; and I would rather learn them well than not at all.

Thank you for reading and I wish you love, peace, health, and light!

Most sincerely,

CD1

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