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I was first ‘saved’ a few years ago and surrendered my life to Jesus.  As I’ve continued my path to become a better and better Christian woman, yes….I still have my struggles and understand I likely always will.  The blessings are that most of them are changing and new struggles emerge.  When I thought about surrender, I thought….yes, I’ve surrendered my life to God. In my mind it was almost like a checklist item…yes, I’ve done that.  As the months and years have gone by, I see myself trying to grab the steering wheel from God to put things in my own control.  Of course, that’s when I’m least joyful…yet I still try it every once in a while.  Much of this control issue after ‘surrendering’ I find is linked to trusting the Lord.   Yes, we all say we trust the Lord.  But, when the check is a little bit less or later than usual, do you get that anxious twitch in your stomach or side?  Does your chest tighten a little?   How long do you stay that way?  Do you recognize that it’s happening?   When you get into a relationship that is going well, and then you get anxious about it.   How long does it take you to realize what your mind is doing to the relationship?  Where is God in that?  Whatever it is that is your ‘hot button’, how long do you stay in fear or anxious over it?

What I’ve come to realize is that surrender isn’t a one-time offering.   The days I’m most joyful, feel I’m living more purposefully and have the most peace are the days I remember to surrender myself to the Lord in the morning.   To declare to Him that I trust him with everything in my life.   I don’t want to give the wrong impression.  I don’t just exist and think God’s going to get me to work, although, He will get me there safely.  Our responsibility is still to take action, but to do so in faith.

There is a LOT rolled into surrender and trust, isn’t there?  I would ask you if you have stress and/or fear in your life, are you putting on the whole armor of God every day?  We are not strong standing as an island.  Our strength comes from God and we can ask for it.  He will build you up.

For me, the biggest battle by far goes on in my head.   Negative or incorrect thoughts….projecting thoughts into the future which makes no sense.   There is a lot to be said for living in the present moment with total faith.  In order to maintain joy and peace in the face of society today, I strongly recommend using all the tools at your disposal.  I think many of us pray and read Scripture.  How often do you read Scripture out loud?  Our words are very powerful.  We can use them to protect ourselves and to strengthen our armor.

Try putting on the whole armor of God (Ephesians 6: 13-17). If you don’t currently arm yourself with any, start with one or two pieces.  Start reading Scripture…then move into adding prayer…living more and more righteously….I bet you see that your life and your trust grows creating more harmony within you.   It will affect your relationships with everyone and more of satan’s darts will bounce off.   Once you’re more protected, beware of your weaknesses….satan’s a lion and will jump the moment you’re not squarely facing him, ie: be watchful.

I make the above observation because when I get lazy in putting on my own armor, my mind goes places it has no business going and it affects all of my relationships and my quality of life.   The moment I move back into my Bible reading, using my promise book to read Scripture excerpts out loud, pray, and do my best to live more and more as God wants a Christian woman to live…..my mind turns into a very calm and peaceful place.  I guess you could say that whatever shoes I’m wearing turn into my “shoes of peace”.

The goal of my posting is to encourage those that are having stress and anxiety to relieve those feelings.  They are so harmful in so many ways, spiritually, physically, emotionally, etc.   It is also to help you recognize when you feel anxiety and fear, how to find trust in the Lord.  I recognize this isn’t like turning on a switch but through faith and the armor of God, you can get there.   It took me about 8 months to lose my financial fear when I was going through divorce.  When I feel a twinge of financial anxiety, I recognize it quickly and turn to the Lord to get rid of it and trust that He is taking care of me.  I am very far from perfect and hope to encourage anyone in fear.  I understand and wish you blessings and pray for you.

I leave you with a quote from my favorite Casting Crowns song, “Just Be Held”:  “Your world’s not falling apart it’s falling into place, you’re not alone stop holding on and just be held”.

Wishing you peace, love, perfect health, joy, faith, trust, surrender, blessings, and tons of laughter!!!

Remember, God made you and loves every bit of you.

CD

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This blog is nothing but consistent: relationships and God.  The interesting dance of how relationships can bring you closer to God and how God can clarify and form relationships….and change your perspective.

As a woman born in the Northeast US, I had some ideas of what the man I want to marry might be like.   My marriage that is now ended was one where I was co-dependent.   Now that I have come through that and have a relationship with Jesus, that picture has changed significantly.  Even now, I am finding lessons in my ideals versus what I could and should be looking for in a partner.

In this recent blizzard, I was left alone.  My “boyfriend” (I quote it becuase he’s a grown man) said he’d rather stay in his apartment than be here to help me.  Knowing we were likely to get about 30″ of snow and potentially lose power, I was very hurt.  Now that I’ve come through the storm and he obviously feels like a worm at this point seeing what it was like and that there was a travel ban so he could not come to help me…..what a different place I view that relationship from.   I have been praying and mulling over how uncared for I felt…feel.   I made it through last winter alone and was fine.   Which brought my mind to, “when I was alone”….so now what am I?  Not alone?   Yes, you can imagine a slight pity party in my head, can’t you? Luckily, I don’t allow myself to stay in self pity for very long.   However, this did make me look at my relationship with a whole new perspective.

Is it fair to expect a man to be my rescuer?  I think to some extent, yes.  A man’s love is demonstrated through actions.   However, if his apology is real, genuine, and he was truly being a block head for a moment, then what?   Is it devastation that I couldn’t count on him?  Is it significant? Yes and no.   We will see how things go.   I’m hurt, disappointed, but mostly, very pensive.    If this life truly is a temporary assignment before eternity, then how much does all of this matter?  It matters more, I think, that the person has a relationship with Jesus.  It matters if he does think more about how to be a helpful and supportive partner.

Then, it came to this.  Who can I count on 100% of the time?  Me? another human being?  Not really.  The only one, Absolute entity I can count on 100% of the time, is the Lord.  And you can take THAT to the bank!

People will be what they are going to be.  We make decisions about who we have in our lives and how we can best serve our purpose here.  When you understand that God has you, it becomes SO much more important to walk with Him, closely. It matters to have a close relationship with Him and that you work on building that relationship every day.  God will be there long after this brief life we have here. Jesus will hopefully welcome me to Heaven.  Can you truly ask for anything greater?

Given that knowledge and when we start to walk more closely with God, I think we shed a lot of baggage.  We do not get ‘offended’; we realize that everyone is only capable of being who they are on their journey.   Expectations, whether we set them or someone else sets them for us…they drift away.   To a certain extent we become naked again.   No baggage, no pretenses….just you in front of Jesus wondering if you’re being the person He would want you to be.   Once you are standing there, raw, really seeing yourself, the other person becomes ‘naked’ as well.  You don’t look at what they say about themselves.  You observe their actions and who they are to you without expectation….just the thoughts and actions exchanged.   You stop judging them and you shed your expectations of them.

Then, through the emotional processing and prayer there is the blessing.  Knowing that you choose to walk more closely with the Lord and that only His love is never-failing, beautiful, graceful, and something to consistently strive to build inside you and in your life.

How can you be angry with someone that builds your faith? I don’t think you can.

Wishing you perfect health, love, joy, laughter, and knowing your purpose in this life.  God bless!

CD1

Hi Everyone! Sorry it’s been a bit since my last post.

If you’re a regular reader you know I took a year off of dating and I am now prepared to date but not aggressively as my hopeful divorce will be March…so no dating sites or anything much until then.

However, I happened to meet a man that I found attractive, easy to talk to, with similar interests, etc.   It was the first time in a very long time that I had even considered dating someone I met.  The first night after we met he spent the night standing beside me talking to me.  The second time I saw him a month later he arrived early and asked me to sit next to him and we talked all night again.  We sang a duet and he walked me to my car both nights.  He gave a very nice compliment when he walked me to my car the second night.    He seemed like a nice man.   I liked that he was going slowly and didn’t even ask for my number yet.   Then I saw him again about a week ago.  He sat next to me but acted very strange, very distant.  As the night went on, he talked more but obviously a bit more chilly and did not walk me to my car.     Meanwhile, I had been praying that the Lord would guide me or send me signs whether or not to follow if pursued.    So I call this my Hot Hot Cold experience.   I’m not sure if he’s insecure because he put himself ‘out there’ as my counselor suggests or if he’s moody or fickle, or a game player to see if I get more interested.  No matter what he is thinking, I found it to be a huge turn off, ie: no more crush.  I credit this to the Lord offering His guidance in my life.  I am very grateful.

So when I have those tweaks of loneliness every once in a while, I remember that a heart break is far worse.  Meanwhile, I have two friends experiencing serious heart break in their lives.   I pray for them both.  One is saved and one is not.   I won’t go into details but one is in his 20’s and my other friend is in her 30’s.   Seeing their experiences reminds me of lessons I’ve learned and how I would approach anything serious very differently in my life.  It also reminds me to keep the Lord first and always ‘have a life’ outside of a relationship to maintain an even balance.

I hope that everyone and anyone out there experiencing any sort of heart break knows that it happens for us to learn, to ask God to change us, and know that God has a better plan than you could possibly imagine yourself.  Maintaining faith and trust can help you shift from this painful place maybe a little faster or at least with more comfort.   I see many of my past mistakes in my friends’ lives as I’m older.  I can empathize and maybe offer a little advice if sought.   Love is so huge in our lives  and it amazes me how reckless we can be when considering it.   Seeing these examples reminds me to take excellent care of myself before becoming involved with ‘a crush’ or any man.   I am only starting to grow up emotionally in many ways and it’s comforting knowing that you can take care of yourself when it comes to love.   Of course, heartbreak can happen; it doesn’t exclude it.  However, there are ways of going into a relationship when you take care of yourself and are responsible for your health in every way that can lead to more success, I believe.

Wishing you a very appreciated, loving, joyful, faithful, positive, healthy life….always.

And this Valentine’s Day, I hope it’s not drastically different than another day because you feel just as appreciated and loved every day of the year!

CD1

If you’ve been reading my blog you know that I have come a long way to get fear out of my life.  I have full trust in God with my life and hope that I get out of my own way to see what I’m supposed to be doing while here in the physical…what is the work He wants me to be doing.   I’m still unclear but face life with an open heart, open mind, open ears, and open eyes in the expectation that it will be revealed to me.

Well! Just when I thought fear left my life I realize that there may be different ‘houses’ where you have to address fear and grow and let go of it.   I am no longer fearful when it comes to money as I know God takes the best care of me and I am taking action to do my best.

I am no longer fearful as a single woman and can be happy.

I am not fearful about any part of my life for the most part.

AND THEN……………..

I get into a relationship and the fear demons leap into me.  What is THAT?  I didn’t even know it and here I am….fear based instead of love based in a relationship?  Now that doesn’t make any sense.  For some reason this quote caused that reality to hit me between the eyes from the Bible Gateway daily passage: “[Living in the Light] Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children.  Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ.  He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.” (Ephesians 5:1-2).

And it struck me….when you think about it..the poor man I’m with!  Here I am being fear based and not love based.

Every day I’m learning more about what it means to be a better Christian, a better woman.  And now I see that when life puts you in a different situation…check in and make sure you’re coming from love and not fear.   I have to do some praying on this for sure and hope that I can make that shift or I have no business being in a relationship at all.

Wishing you love, joy, peace, health, faith, and laughter and happiness…always!

CD1

This is a little snippet and I’d love feedback if anyone else out there has any experience. I hadn’t considered dating but have been put in the situation where a very nice man has asked me out and we’ve been dating for about a month. As you might be aware if you’ve read any of my blog, I’ve gone through a lot of changes in who I am and what I want. I don’t know if this is a good person for me or not but I do have one observation.

He is not an arrogant man. I was married to an arrogant man for 11 years and the first two men I dated were also very arrogant. I don’t know if men have the same experience with women so if you have experience….that would be neat to learn about, too. One thing I”ve learned is that an arrogant man constantly needs to either build himself up to other people or subtlely put them down….ok, sometimes not so subtlely. And what I realized is that deep down, these men don’t feel adequate in some way. Unless they fill that gap within themselves, this behavior continues. As a woman dating someone like this or going into a relationship with one…it’s only a matter of time before that energy gets turned on you.

From now on……no more dating arrogant men for me. I will pray for them and their healing…but it doesn’t mean that dating a man like that is a good idea.

I’d be curious if anyone else has any experience with this and if you agree or have any thoughts about the subject.

Wishing you love, peace, and perfect health, always!

CD1

I had wondered why when an exclusive relationship broke up, I am a little devastated and it takes me a while to heal.
Am I needy? Not particularly.
Would I prefer to stay in a relationship that wasn’t serving either of us? No, definitely not.
So why the pain?

Recently I’ve been watching all sorts of videos and snippets on love, relationships, and what it means to be physical with someone in a relationship.

Well, it’s not that I am needy, desperate, mal-adjusted, issue-ridden, etc.
Turns out, I’m likely in better balance with my spiritual and physical than I thought.
This is something I have been working towards for years with yoga, exercise, nutrition, meditation, some hypnosis and subliminal work, etc.
Turns out, it makes sense. What was I doing wrong? I was not taking proper care of my body.
Often we eat organic foods, we exercise, we moisturize, we anti-age cream ourselves…do a lot of things that help the body inside and out.
Yet….at least for me, I forgot that my soul lives inside this wonderful body, too.

My most recent learning is that when I make the decision to be physical with someone I’m in a relationship with….I’m giving them not only my body but a piece of my soul. They are connected, not disconnected. This is very significant and explains the pain I’ve felt and still feel since my last break up of almost a month ago.

If I had looked at it that way….like I was giving this person a piece of my soul…would I have gotten physical with him? Easy answer there…heyl NO! Not at that point.

Some people might think I’m nuts and well..that’s ok. I am not one of those people that is disconnected spiritually from my body. I innately knew this but the synapse hadn’t carried its way to consciousness.

So, it was comforting that I understand why so much pain…but not comforting that I had not been taking better care of myself with such a significant part of me.

From now on, the person will have to be a worthy partner before the physical aspect of a relationship could be remotely possible.
I think this is the final way (aside from financial independence) to take care of myself and love myself properly to be a better woman.

This shift in perspective and consiousness has been strangely profound and very freeing.

I hope this helps someone out there. Wishing you love, peace, happiness, joy, and to find your passion in life and live it..always!!!!
Most sincerely,
CD1

I am feeling a little creative today and looking to shift my energy to a better place. I thought I’d just share some thoughts on Fall. It’s my favorite season and maybe that explains how my life has evolved.
It’s sunny and beautiful one day, chill and crisp the next. The temperature from the day to the evening can vary up to 30F sometimes. Most of all, I think it’s the gentle and even sometimes rough wind of mother nature letting me know that it’s necessary to shake the tree every once in a while to promote proper growth.
It’s my favorite time of year to take leisurely walks. No matter where I roam I can almost always count on the feeling of being uplifted by the breeze, observe the debris from a vibrant Summer now being thrown into it’s next step to provide a fertile foundation for the next year’s growth.
The once strong green or red leaves now start to show their other colors that have been there all along but have been covered by their strength. Slowly they allow themselves to be more and more vulnerable until they finally are coaxed off of their tree.
It’s a churning of the existing and a promise of the new and a signal that the next step has to be taken.
Nature moves forward without resistance, embracing every new environment knowing full well that there is always a tomorrow.
So much can be learned from embracing change and enjoying the process of it knowing all the while, tomorrow will be at least as beautiful if not more so.
It’s a lot like life. Even when you’re sad, having pain, maybe focusing on a previous ‘season’ in your life….enjoying the present knowing that the current changes are preparing you for another day….feeling taken care of in that energy and feeling ‘safe’ in that energy. I am so much a student of life and feel that I always will be that I think if I can embrace the season of change….and apply the beauty of it to my own life…then every moment I do this will lead to a happier and happier moment.

I wish you love and gentle, beautiful, appreciative change in your life and hope that no matter what, you always know you are loved and that every day will be better and better.

Love and peace..thank you for reading.

Most sincerely,

CD1

Wow…I have had so much going on since I last wrote….
I have done 7 lessons in the Overcoming Self Sabotage Course on DailyOM.com.
I have uncovered the undercurrent of my emotions and what I used to think of myself or well, how little I thought of myself.
And now…I’m dead set on finding my passion – what is my purpose…and I do not know what it is…I’m listening in stillness, meditation. I’ve done several exercises and doing more. I get little inspirations but they do not feel like my purpose.

I no longer think I have no value…I know I have value…exactly what my value is…still vague but working on that.
I know I am love, deserve to be loved and am loving.

It had been 2 months since I heard from the ex bf. Sent me a “happy Easter!!!” text. At first so many things stirred. Then I quieted and realized that I am so different than I was when I dated him. I am quietly calm and know what I want and what I don’t want. Immediately my thoughts had gone to, what do I do if he says he misses me or wants to see me? Neither of which he’s done thus far..LOL! And it’s Weds after.. And there is no crisis…there is nothing. If it is meant to be then he will come back into my life, slowly, and he will treat me wonderfully. If it is not meant to be, then he will not or he will and will not treat me well. I am no longer carrying the internal belief that you have to suffer emotional cruelty in order to be loved. And so, if behavior does not honor me as a person I will first communicate it and if that behavior does not change…then I would not continue to see him. It’s very simple, really. If I am taken for granted and not appreciated…then I will move away.
So there is no longer any neediness, fear, or crisis of any kind. I know that my true love is ‘here’ somewhere probably looking for me, too. And when we meet, it will be fabulous.
I do know that when the ex bf and I met, neither one of us was ready for the other. I was still programmed to negative messaging and he was still licking his wounds from a break up. We collided quickly and blew it all up. What remains to be seen is, 1. will he communicate and look to get me back in his life?(either way it doesn’t matter….I’m aok) 2. If he does…is that who he really is, or will he have also gone through a transformation and be the kind and loving person I’m looking for? Romantic? Etc? Was he fear-based before or still or is that who he really is? We will see.
I can’t imagine that he would send a “Happy Easter!!!” without any intention of contacting me again. I did send a reply later in the day, “Back at you”.

Meanwhile, I am very focused on finding my purpose…..I am so excited to learn what it is and am driven to find it.

Currently reading Eckert Tolle’s “The Power of Now” in addition to my other courses, studies and highly recommend it.

And so the journey continues…..true love? pending Purpose? pending Self Acceptance and Love? processing and percolating and beautiful…every day is like a flower opening with a new gift….I am enjoying this part the most, as it’s got the most momentum, Spirituality? Found a non-denominational Christian church with a pastor that I love and have been offered discipleship from a good friend (could I be more blessed?!! So grateful) Financial Independence? pending Friends and Family? Doing well, need somework in some family areas and always looking for new friends.

A passionate life? I guess you could say pending with progress? Yet, I’m passionate about the journey I’m on and I trust that all will be well and I will be passionately engaged in life….Thank you for ‘listening’!!

May your life be filled with love, joy, happiness, laughter until your stomach hurts, and perfect health!!!
Namaste with Love!
CD

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been processing and processing. I don’t believe in writing unless I’m coming from positive energy as that’s all I want to give to the world. So many things have happened and been processed.

Just when I thought I really loved myself, I got in a relationship where I did not set boundaries where I should have…didn’t listen to my intuition the whole time. Eventually, I just kept things inside because I didn’t know how to address them, frankly. And after too much vodka and a series of events that were rather toxic for me in one evening, I sabotaged the relationship with a very angry outburst. In looking back, I know it was the Universe/God/Source that made sure this happened this way because I went against my intuition in going out with this man and continueing to date him and even got intimate long before I was ready – I can thank vodka again for that.
So you’re not anxious…yes, I do not drink vodka anymore. I have given it up as it doesn’t serve me.

So…what happened? Clearly the guy wasn’t over his ex gf. Every single time we’d discuss almost anything related to us, he would say, well so and so would have……
And it has become clear looking back that the guy was never dating me. It’s kind of funny now. He was still dating his ex gf…who was apparently very emotional. So every time I’d ask him about us related to some topic, he lied because he was afraid I’d blow up like his ex gf used to…which is frankly, not my style. So he lied and treated me as someone I was not. I didn’t set boundaries for myself when he did things that did not honor me. And it all blew up. At the same time, the night of the blow up…I learned something about him that the Universe/God/Source wanted me to be really clear about. So much so, because that consciousness knows me and knows that I’m too nice and always make an excuse for one mistake….but this time….this man had TWO opportunities to be a considerate and responsible human being and he blew BOTH chances. I won’t get into what it was but on a human level, caring about another human being’s life, not even necessarily mine, he doesn’t meet the minimum requirement. Let’s just say he didn’t care whether I killed myself or worse, someone else….and he had two opportunities to make that choice.

In looking back, I’m grateful. I’ve learned many things.
1. Always, always, always trust my intuition
2. Know how to establish boundaries that if I’m not being honored by others or myself, to stop the behavior, or distance myself.
3. Never become ‘relationship gf’ – doesn’t serve anyone
4. Find something that I can do that brings me joy
5. Continue on my path to learning how to best love myself…thought I was there but obviously I was/am not…working on it!
6. Get my financial independence going – the ending of the relationship made me take stock in my happiness….finances are definitely the next steps for me as well as potential career transition…in fact, likely.

Commitments?
Doing Chopra Center’s 21 Day Meditation Challenge, haven’t missed – today is day 17
Signed up for Overcoming Self Sabotage on DailyOM – did lesson 1
Committed to eating only quantities and types of food that nurture my body and help me reach my goal of being fit
Doing one thing a day differently to increase my love, happiness, abundance, and/or health
I’ve ordered two books – “Follow Your True Colors to the Work You Love” by Carolyn Kalil ( I heard this has really helped people find a career they’re passionate about…so excited!) and “The Power of Now: A guide to spiritual enlightenment” by Eckert Tolle – this book has come up at least 8 times in the past 2 weeks – so not ignoring my intuition…I will read it as soon as I get it.

I manifested a free Reiki session that I had yesterday – so grateful – and the reiki master, was so wonderful. We discussed things afterwards and she noticed that there’s nothing in my life that I do that brings me joy…real joy. It got me thinking….Another step I can take to find my passions in life would be to think about things that have always brought me joy. I do karaoke and when I’m singing…I do experience joy. So I’m thinking of finding a band that I can sing for and maybe it will bring in some extra money, too. I have faith that if it’s meant to be then the band and I will come together…hoping for jazz but we’ll see. I also love to travel so that’s on the list as soon as I can. I enjoy doing new things, learning new hobbies. I’ve always wanted to learn how to create stained glass. I started that process but it was pricey and in the middle of the work day so I will see if I can get back into that. I’ve also wanted to learn how to throw clay so that may also be part of my future new hobbies to learn. And finally, I am a total amateur but I love to play in Adobe Illustrator. I love to create printed pieces, art for promotional items, and for clothing. this is partially in line with what I do now. I will look into taking courses to become more expert in this area to see if this is another possible area of growth for me…ideally in retail.

So how is your journey going? Mine is packed with change. I get sad sometimes that I have lived this long and not been connected to my passion. At the same time, I’m very grateful that I’m just beginning to bloom and hope that some day, I’ll be living as a fully opened beauty rose filled with fire and passion for life and being all I can be so I can offer more to the world.

Oh – and also – ordered Wayne Dyer’s Wishes Fulfilled on CD – Can’t recommend anything more highly. I’m on disc 4 and it’s completely fabulous…I’m so grateful to him…..connect feeling what you want as if you already have it – not thinking it, but feeling it…and it will come….I’m still working on connecting my true feelings with my I AM statements and I’m excited for the day they come together and I am creating what I want in life. Thank you, Dr. Wayne!!!!

Wishing you love, light, passion, joy, happiness, health, and abundance…always!!!

Love and an open heart,

CreativeDiva1

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