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I was first ‘saved’ a few years ago and surrendered my life to Jesus.  As I’ve continued my path to become a better and better Christian woman, yes….I still have my struggles and understand I likely always will.  The blessings are that most of them are changing and new struggles emerge.  When I thought about surrender, I thought….yes, I’ve surrendered my life to God. In my mind it was almost like a checklist item…yes, I’ve done that.  As the months and years have gone by, I see myself trying to grab the steering wheel from God to put things in my own control.  Of course, that’s when I’m least joyful…yet I still try it every once in a while.  Much of this control issue after ‘surrendering’ I find is linked to trusting the Lord.   Yes, we all say we trust the Lord.  But, when the check is a little bit less or later than usual, do you get that anxious twitch in your stomach or side?  Does your chest tighten a little?   How long do you stay that way?  Do you recognize that it’s happening?   When you get into a relationship that is going well, and then you get anxious about it.   How long does it take you to realize what your mind is doing to the relationship?  Where is God in that?  Whatever it is that is your ‘hot button’, how long do you stay in fear or anxious over it?

What I’ve come to realize is that surrender isn’t a one-time offering.   The days I’m most joyful, feel I’m living more purposefully and have the most peace are the days I remember to surrender myself to the Lord in the morning.   To declare to Him that I trust him with everything in my life.   I don’t want to give the wrong impression.  I don’t just exist and think God’s going to get me to work, although, He will get me there safely.  Our responsibility is still to take action, but to do so in faith.

There is a LOT rolled into surrender and trust, isn’t there?  I would ask you if you have stress and/or fear in your life, are you putting on the whole armor of God every day?  We are not strong standing as an island.  Our strength comes from God and we can ask for it.  He will build you up.

For me, the biggest battle by far goes on in my head.   Negative or incorrect thoughts….projecting thoughts into the future which makes no sense.   There is a lot to be said for living in the present moment with total faith.  In order to maintain joy and peace in the face of society today, I strongly recommend using all the tools at your disposal.  I think many of us pray and read Scripture.  How often do you read Scripture out loud?  Our words are very powerful.  We can use them to protect ourselves and to strengthen our armor.

Try putting on the whole armor of God (Ephesians 6: 13-17). If you don’t currently arm yourself with any, start with one or two pieces.  Start reading Scripture…then move into adding prayer…living more and more righteously….I bet you see that your life and your trust grows creating more harmony within you.   It will affect your relationships with everyone and more of satan’s darts will bounce off.   Once you’re more protected, beware of your weaknesses….satan’s a lion and will jump the moment you’re not squarely facing him, ie: be watchful.

I make the above observation because when I get lazy in putting on my own armor, my mind goes places it has no business going and it affects all of my relationships and my quality of life.   The moment I move back into my Bible reading, using my promise book to read Scripture excerpts out loud, pray, and do my best to live more and more as God wants a Christian woman to live…..my mind turns into a very calm and peaceful place.  I guess you could say that whatever shoes I’m wearing turn into my “shoes of peace”.

The goal of my posting is to encourage those that are having stress and anxiety to relieve those feelings.  They are so harmful in so many ways, spiritually, physically, emotionally, etc.   It is also to help you recognize when you feel anxiety and fear, how to find trust in the Lord.  I recognize this isn’t like turning on a switch but through faith and the armor of God, you can get there.   It took me about 8 months to lose my financial fear when I was going through divorce.  When I feel a twinge of financial anxiety, I recognize it quickly and turn to the Lord to get rid of it and trust that He is taking care of me.  I am very far from perfect and hope to encourage anyone in fear.  I understand and wish you blessings and pray for you.

I leave you with a quote from my favorite Casting Crowns song, “Just Be Held”:  “Your world’s not falling apart it’s falling into place, you’re not alone stop holding on and just be held”.

Wishing you peace, love, perfect health, joy, faith, trust, surrender, blessings, and tons of laughter!!!

Remember, God made you and loves every bit of you.

CD

It’s been a while since I’ve written.  I have been inspired and then felt that the ‘lesson’ was not complete and then inspired, and then not ‘complete’ so I’m just going to pick this up where it’s at!  I know I’ve written on setting boundaries in my life before.  I’ve also written about where is God’s boundary and does he have one and the differences of opinion on that.

Today I’m revisiting boundaries in our lives.   I have been very blessed through prayer, experience, and spoken verses from the Bible to have received emotional healing of childhood wounds I thought were already healed.   Apparently, forgiving someone does not equal personal healing and is just the first step.  Silly me.  I had not realized that I was interacting with people looking to be validated in my life, especially with men.   However, this experience was true for most of my personal relationships.

An interesting dynamic starts to show itself when you begin to realize as the son or daughter of God, you are already valid.  Not only do you no longer seek validation, you also gain self respect.   In gaining this self respect, your interaction with historical relationships may begin to change.   Behaviors you once found acceptable or allowed you no longer tolerate in your life.   I find my reaction can be strong or defensive if I’m not self aware.   It appears as if three of my close friends overstep boundaries that I never recognized before.  It has caused me to pray and ask the Lord if I’m bringing these reactions into my life or if it is just a matter of recognizing the inappropriateness of behaviors.   I prefer not to lose friends but find it necessary to establish new boundaries of what is acceptable.   I am a firm believer in you are responsible for what you allow in your life.  I think with an approach of love things will work out….and of course prayer.

I’d be curious if others have had this experience and what typically happens…..do you develop new friends or do existing friends adjust to your newly ‘framed’ self?

This blog is nothing but consistent: relationships and God.  The interesting dance of how relationships can bring you closer to God and how God can clarify and form relationships….and change your perspective.

As a woman born in the Northeast US, I had some ideas of what the man I want to marry might be like.   My marriage that is now ended was one where I was co-dependent.   Now that I have come through that and have a relationship with Jesus, that picture has changed significantly.  Even now, I am finding lessons in my ideals versus what I could and should be looking for in a partner.

In this recent blizzard, I was left alone.  My “boyfriend” (I quote it becuase he’s a grown man) said he’d rather stay in his apartment than be here to help me.  Knowing we were likely to get about 30″ of snow and potentially lose power, I was very hurt.  Now that I’ve come through the storm and he obviously feels like a worm at this point seeing what it was like and that there was a travel ban so he could not come to help me…..what a different place I view that relationship from.   I have been praying and mulling over how uncared for I felt…feel.   I made it through last winter alone and was fine.   Which brought my mind to, “when I was alone”….so now what am I?  Not alone?   Yes, you can imagine a slight pity party in my head, can’t you? Luckily, I don’t allow myself to stay in self pity for very long.   However, this did make me look at my relationship with a whole new perspective.

Is it fair to expect a man to be my rescuer?  I think to some extent, yes.  A man’s love is demonstrated through actions.   However, if his apology is real, genuine, and he was truly being a block head for a moment, then what?   Is it devastation that I couldn’t count on him?  Is it significant? Yes and no.   We will see how things go.   I’m hurt, disappointed, but mostly, very pensive.    If this life truly is a temporary assignment before eternity, then how much does all of this matter?  It matters more, I think, that the person has a relationship with Jesus.  It matters if he does think more about how to be a helpful and supportive partner.

Then, it came to this.  Who can I count on 100% of the time?  Me? another human being?  Not really.  The only one, Absolute entity I can count on 100% of the time, is the Lord.  And you can take THAT to the bank!

People will be what they are going to be.  We make decisions about who we have in our lives and how we can best serve our purpose here.  When you understand that God has you, it becomes SO much more important to walk with Him, closely. It matters to have a close relationship with Him and that you work on building that relationship every day.  God will be there long after this brief life we have here. Jesus will hopefully welcome me to Heaven.  Can you truly ask for anything greater?

Given that knowledge and when we start to walk more closely with God, I think we shed a lot of baggage.  We do not get ‘offended’; we realize that everyone is only capable of being who they are on their journey.   Expectations, whether we set them or someone else sets them for us…they drift away.   To a certain extent we become naked again.   No baggage, no pretenses….just you in front of Jesus wondering if you’re being the person He would want you to be.   Once you are standing there, raw, really seeing yourself, the other person becomes ‘naked’ as well.  You don’t look at what they say about themselves.  You observe their actions and who they are to you without expectation….just the thoughts and actions exchanged.   You stop judging them and you shed your expectations of them.

Then, through the emotional processing and prayer there is the blessing.  Knowing that you choose to walk more closely with the Lord and that only His love is never-failing, beautiful, graceful, and something to consistently strive to build inside you and in your life.

How can you be angry with someone that builds your faith? I don’t think you can.

Wishing you perfect health, love, joy, laughter, and knowing your purpose in this life.  God bless!

CD1

Hi Everyone! Sorry it’s been a bit since my last post.

If you’re a regular reader you know I took a year off of dating and I am now prepared to date but not aggressively as my hopeful divorce will be March…so no dating sites or anything much until then.

However, I happened to meet a man that I found attractive, easy to talk to, with similar interests, etc.   It was the first time in a very long time that I had even considered dating someone I met.  The first night after we met he spent the night standing beside me talking to me.  The second time I saw him a month later he arrived early and asked me to sit next to him and we talked all night again.  We sang a duet and he walked me to my car both nights.  He gave a very nice compliment when he walked me to my car the second night.    He seemed like a nice man.   I liked that he was going slowly and didn’t even ask for my number yet.   Then I saw him again about a week ago.  He sat next to me but acted very strange, very distant.  As the night went on, he talked more but obviously a bit more chilly and did not walk me to my car.     Meanwhile, I had been praying that the Lord would guide me or send me signs whether or not to follow if pursued.    So I call this my Hot Hot Cold experience.   I’m not sure if he’s insecure because he put himself ‘out there’ as my counselor suggests or if he’s moody or fickle, or a game player to see if I get more interested.  No matter what he is thinking, I found it to be a huge turn off, ie: no more crush.  I credit this to the Lord offering His guidance in my life.  I am very grateful.

So when I have those tweaks of loneliness every once in a while, I remember that a heart break is far worse.  Meanwhile, I have two friends experiencing serious heart break in their lives.   I pray for them both.  One is saved and one is not.   I won’t go into details but one is in his 20’s and my other friend is in her 30’s.   Seeing their experiences reminds me of lessons I’ve learned and how I would approach anything serious very differently in my life.  It also reminds me to keep the Lord first and always ‘have a life’ outside of a relationship to maintain an even balance.

I hope that everyone and anyone out there experiencing any sort of heart break knows that it happens for us to learn, to ask God to change us, and know that God has a better plan than you could possibly imagine yourself.  Maintaining faith and trust can help you shift from this painful place maybe a little faster or at least with more comfort.   I see many of my past mistakes in my friends’ lives as I’m older.  I can empathize and maybe offer a little advice if sought.   Love is so huge in our lives  and it amazes me how reckless we can be when considering it.   Seeing these examples reminds me to take excellent care of myself before becoming involved with ‘a crush’ or any man.   I am only starting to grow up emotionally in many ways and it’s comforting knowing that you can take care of yourself when it comes to love.   Of course, heartbreak can happen; it doesn’t exclude it.  However, there are ways of going into a relationship when you take care of yourself and are responsible for your health in every way that can lead to more success, I believe.

Wishing you a very appreciated, loving, joyful, faithful, positive, healthy life….always.

And this Valentine’s Day, I hope it’s not drastically different than another day because you feel just as appreciated and loved every day of the year!

CD1

If you’ve been reading my blog you know that I have come a long way to get fear out of my life.  I have full trust in God with my life and hope that I get out of my own way to see what I’m supposed to be doing while here in the physical…what is the work He wants me to be doing.   I’m still unclear but face life with an open heart, open mind, open ears, and open eyes in the expectation that it will be revealed to me.

Well! Just when I thought fear left my life I realize that there may be different ‘houses’ where you have to address fear and grow and let go of it.   I am no longer fearful when it comes to money as I know God takes the best care of me and I am taking action to do my best.

I am no longer fearful as a single woman and can be happy.

I am not fearful about any part of my life for the most part.

AND THEN……………..

I get into a relationship and the fear demons leap into me.  What is THAT?  I didn’t even know it and here I am….fear based instead of love based in a relationship?  Now that doesn’t make any sense.  For some reason this quote caused that reality to hit me between the eyes from the Bible Gateway daily passage: “[Living in the Light] Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children.  Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ.  He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God.” (Ephesians 5:1-2).

And it struck me….when you think about it..the poor man I’m with!  Here I am being fear based and not love based.

Every day I’m learning more about what it means to be a better Christian, a better woman.  And now I see that when life puts you in a different situation…check in and make sure you’re coming from love and not fear.   I have to do some praying on this for sure and hope that I can make that shift or I have no business being in a relationship at all.

Wishing you love, joy, peace, health, faith, and laughter and happiness…always!

CD1

This is a little snippet and I’d love feedback if anyone else out there has any experience. I hadn’t considered dating but have been put in the situation where a very nice man has asked me out and we’ve been dating for about a month. As you might be aware if you’ve read any of my blog, I’ve gone through a lot of changes in who I am and what I want. I don’t know if this is a good person for me or not but I do have one observation.

He is not an arrogant man. I was married to an arrogant man for 11 years and the first two men I dated were also very arrogant. I don’t know if men have the same experience with women so if you have experience….that would be neat to learn about, too. One thing I”ve learned is that an arrogant man constantly needs to either build himself up to other people or subtlely put them down….ok, sometimes not so subtlely. And what I realized is that deep down, these men don’t feel adequate in some way. Unless they fill that gap within themselves, this behavior continues. As a woman dating someone like this or going into a relationship with one…it’s only a matter of time before that energy gets turned on you.

From now on……no more dating arrogant men for me. I will pray for them and their healing…but it doesn’t mean that dating a man like that is a good idea.

I’d be curious if anyone else has any experience with this and if you agree or have any thoughts about the subject.

Wishing you love, peace, and perfect health, always!

CD1

 

When I was a little girl and watched cartoons on saturday mornings with my brother, it was always a treat when we caught the Pink Panther.  One of the cartoons was the Ant and the Aardvark.  And every time I think of the voice, “Hey Ant”….it just cracks me up.  In case your’e not familiar with it….here’s a little youtube link for you: http://youtu.be/E_LX7_48oLA

So why Ant?  I had the recent experience of starting to deal with the financial end of my divorce….what he expects, what I expect…etc.   If you’ve not gone through it…don’t.  It’s not a lot of fun.  I had always gone into fear and small mode.   In this feeling I’m more of a victim that has to accept my circumstances or what the other person insists on having.   So when he emailed me yesterday that he wants to force the sale of the house, the house that I owned before we met that is now a bit upside down, I went into that same place and got fearful and very upset.   And as I sat there, soaking in my sadness, victimology, unempowered-ness…..I started to ask God what He wants of me.  And I felt this shift start to happen from the inside out.   I am not a victim.  I have no reason to be sad.   I am fully empowered and strong with God and Jesus in my heart.   Just because the ex says something does not make it true nor what will happen.  My mind went a lot of places I’m not really proud of for a little bit but then came back to grounding.  So I let go of all of the old response/reaction and embraced my new self who knows that I am fully taken care of and trust God implicitly…that He is showing me the path of what is the next best step for me.   And I am more than ok…I am peaceful.

I went to sleep very early last night so I was wide awake and bushy tailed at 4am.  Instead of leaping out of bed like I used to…I waited for wisdom and was thankful for all I have…and then…the next wonderful lesson came.  We face things all the time that seem like they rock our world; they are paramount in and to our existence.   When really if you take a step or two back from the situation…it’s a speck.   It’s a speck in time and a speck in the world.  It’s just a speck in God’s overall plans.  And you have to always know that you are going to come out of whatever situation it is..happier, healthier, and an overall better person, better equipped to help others that might face the same or similar challenges.    As my pastor once said, things don’t happen so you can say ‘so what’; they happen so THAT you can help someone else…..so that.   The difference between that little double-u and tee is huge.

I write this blog so THAT maybe someone else will find some strength in knowing he or she is not alone…that we all have our struggles…and no matter what…there is always love for you.  In the overall picture we are ants in a way…carrying our own world on our shoulders.  It’s important to remember that the struggle that feels like the world on our shoulders will seem no more significant than the size of an ant some day.   If you have a struggle and you’re able to…let it go, even if for a few minutes at a time…and know that you will be ok.  Having said that, I know there are many people going through health issues…my prayers for you and I wish you no pain, perfect health, laughter, blessings, and optimism.

Wishing you love, happiness, joy, grace, perfect health, and tons of laughter, always….

CD1

I am overwhelmed and in awe of the gifts I have received from God over the past few days.
I have really shifted to trusting and knowing that God will take care of me no matter what. I know and understand that my plans are ok but if they’re not working out, it’s because there is a bigger plan that is more perfect than I could ever imagine.  I guess you have to call it blind faith when you don’t see what you want but you still trust that what is in your best interest is what is happening.

Gift Number One:   A couple of weeks ago I thought maybe I am supposed to pay for my bad decisions; I will pay for mine and my “soon to be” ex’s.   I told God that if it is best to pay for money mismanagement and gluttony and marrying the wrong sort of man…that I would pay for my share and his. I trust that He will create a way for me to pay for everything on my own and take care of me.

Today was ‘meet with my lawyer’ day regarding the next steps in my divorce. As my lawyer started to discuss the assets and liabilities and possibilities…I felt fear creep into my chest.  Immediately I thought…no.    You have no place here. I trust you, God, to take care of me and that I am in your incredible hands…..and I let the fear leave and felt comforted knowing that whatever is supposed to happen would happen and I will be fine.

When I left the meeting…I started to soak in everything discussed.  I am in a much better position than I ever thought I would be.  All sorts of things that created a safety net so to speak in the agreement became evident. That was my gift today – to feel the comfort of knowing I am taken care of and to end up in a position I never could have imagined.

Gift Number Two:  Yesterday morning I prayed that somehow my thoughts could be changed.   Can I please be more patient, kind and gentle…and treat others with utmost respect and compassion.   In less than two hours….I had the tool to make these changes. I still have chills every time I think about it. I wanted to lose my critical and petty thoughts and shift out of that ‘space’.  I am very newly saved so I am learning how to be a better Christian. In my final ‘access class’ I learned to treat everyone as if s/he is Jesus because Jesus is in all of us. When I think of people that way…it creates a new level of patience and compassion. I still slip into my lesser self with thoughts but now I have a tool to work on keeping forefront in my mind to maintain the most important commandment, ‘to love one another’. To elaborate even further..the service was about what it means to truly be a friend and in fellowship and how not to be a “drive by” Christian.

Gift Number Three:  The gifts have been both spiritual and material. I was wondering how I was giong to pay for my animals’ food and some other things, put gas in the car, etc. when an overflow of things have randomly come to me. A business partner said I had a credit so they sent me a check for $186.00 which arrived Saturday. Today I received a gift card for $120 from my internet/phone/cable company. When I went to my usual and favorite pet store….they had set aside freeze dried samples for me that I’ve been supplementing my cats’ dinners with. I have two cats with hyperthyroidism and 2 out of the three get bladder stones which can be fatal and/or expensive to remove. They must have given me at least $60-$100 worth of free samples and some for the doggie, too. They said they were just going to throw them out but they thought of me.   Sooooo generous!!   Just touches my heart!!!

It is moving…..how I feel taken care of in every way. I am filled with awe..it is not some awe, awesome,…..it is completely overflowing with awe! AWE-FULL!

I have had many a belly laugh lately. In my small group meeting a woman who has been truly a Christian since she was a little girl said, “Well, when you become a Christian there are valleys and mountain tops so just manage your expectation.” My response was, “Well, I don’t want to because I don’t want to believe there’s a valley…I don’t want to come down from the mountain top.” To which she responded with laughter, “I meant you’re in the valley and you have some fantastic times coming your way!” I burst out laughing and I do every time I think of it. The joy I feel no matter what else is going on in my life has been different, life-changing, thought changing, thought-provoking, beauty in motion and emotion, nothing like I’ve ever experienced. I feel as if I am changed forever and am eager to learn and be more. I was thinking about this exchange while tidying the house and I just laughed until my stomach hurt and thought…yes…this is the state I want to be in when I write my next blog..so here I am…in total joy, overwhelmment, and love. I had a few moments of grace this morning. I have meditated and done many other techniques but nothing was like the feeling that came over me this morning….and it wasn’t coming from me. It came upon me, from above and in front of me. I would give anything to have that experience again.  The last and most wonderful gift yet!

I realize this particular blog is a little choppy….more like a list of gifts….but this list has significant meaning to me, to my heart.   Gratitude doesn’t even begin to express how deeply I have experienced these gifts. I had to share them.

Wishing you love, light, peace, joy, and grace…always,

CD1

Fasten your seat belt, this might be a longer post than usual…maybe a cup of tea or a latte?

I asked God for learning about 36 hours ago…learning that I need to not repeat mistakes in my relationships for the future and how to be the best person I can be.  I did use the context of “I’m ready” as well.  I guess I am/was because it came flooding in.  I’m going to go through a series of events in my life that led to this significant enlightenment.  Once I had it, it seems so obvious and so, almost, coy.  Somtimes until you get it so that it strikes you from soul to skin…I don’t think you really understand the significance.  This one shook my world and brought clarity to so much.    I was told this was likely before but I wasn’t able to receive it in such a way that gripped me and showed me what it really means…so here we go!

About a week and a half ago an ex-bf texted me..had some of my things, shame to throw them out…could put them in a box and he’d be happy to deliver himself!    We broke up early Feb so it’s been about 9 months.  Prior to that, I heard he went to a place I frequent looking for me in June and Easter he sent me a simple “Happy Easter!” text.  To his most recent text I replied, “that would be fine. ty”  to which he replied, “Are you working from home today?”   I don’t believe that’s any of his biz so I was polite but not warm and basically said if I wasn’t home he could leave it in or on the milk box on the steps.  To which I never got a reply nor did a box ever show up.            What disturbed me was my reaction.  At first I just shook out of anxiety for a few minutes.  Then I got back into my own skin and thought….Hey, you know you don’t want a man that wasn’t nice to you, is more proud than caring, and views women as a commodity so chill out.  and I did.  then….about a week later it was almost like a little program started to run.  I started to think about him.  And over a few days I started to feel worse about myself and I realized that it was like a little computer program got triggered and I became the less confident woman that I was when I had dated him.  The observation was very freeing and I let go of that baggage.  I was a little concerned that it even happened and asked for guidance.

Yesterday I heard from my soon to be ex.  He wants some of his things from the house and a few things that are considered ‘ours’ from the house.  I responded directly and politely with the legalities of everything and was glad he was well.  The shaking came back for about an hour and we had a couple of brief exchanges and then that was it.   I was recovering from that and wondering why I would be upset when I checked my home voicemail.

My dad and his girlfriend of 23 years have been having their difficulties.  However, she has decided that it’s time to pick on me so my father listens to her complain about me every day for a large portion of the day.    I, unfortunately, know about this because my dad has told me what she says about me.  Meanwhile in June I confronted her and asked why she didn’t like me anymore..she denied everything my dad said that she says and we were ‘ok’ and agreed to have direct communication.  None of this talking to everyone except the person you have a problem with “stuff”.  I guess she could not keep to that.  So she’s at it again and it hurts because we were close.  However, it’s beyond my control.   I don’t know what to do at this point.  I know I’m not emotionally ready to be the ‘bigger person’ that I was last time with this repeat problem.  So why is this important?  Well, here comes Thanksgiving!  Lookout. family time!  I was all set to volunteer on Thanksgiving and stop at a friend’s house in the evening when I got a call last week from my dad.   He said he’d like to go to dinner with me because he couldn’t enjoy his dinner at his gf’s daughter’s house knowing I was alone on Thanksgiving.  I was overcome with his thoughtfulness and love.   I really felt cared about for the first time in a long time.

And then the voicemail yesterday…..his tone was critical as usual saying, “I understand Susann’s daughter invited you for Thanksgiving and you declined.  Sometimes you have to be the bigger person……”  I emailed him back to explain that I’m not emotionally equipped to deal with the situation, etc.  We had some ok exchanges and I gave him an ‘out’ and we were talking about having dinner the night before together when I realized….I went from feeling so loved to feeling like an inconvenience.    I welcomed the interruption to this energy as I had plans to see a movie with a friend.  On the drive home it struck me like my own personal earthquake…guess you might call it a soul-quake.   And what I’m about to say I would like to preface with the knowledge that many many people, men and women, have been worse off than I was and am….this is just my personal soul-quake.     My father has never told me I’m pretty or beautiful.  He’s never said I could do or be anything.  He’s never said much except for criticism my entire life.  When I talk to my dad 99% is either about him or it’s criticism of some kind.   And it ripped through me inside and out…..I have been looking for self-esteem, personal value, personal beauty…all the things I had expected and wanted from my dad from external sources, ie: men.     There it was like someone stamped it on my forehead for the first time.  I have been uncertain why the crying came and still comes but now I realize that I’m grieving for what I did not receive and still have not from my dad.    Sure, you could have told me that a few months ago and I would have said, yeah, likely.   I tend to learn things the hard way but I learn them well when I do learn them, thankfully.  And this one I would not have really understood or learned unless I had that experience with every cell in my body and spirit.

So why did I shake when the ex bf contacted me? When the ex contacted me?   This ‘bond’ I had with these men for me was linked to my self-esteem, value, and beauty validation.  It was a deeper part of me looking to connect and get what it needed.  It’s also why my father’s gf creating problems bothered me so much as she’s part of the source of love from my dad.  I am investigating my next steps to heal these wounds and feed my soul so that I can be fulfilled and feel like a full person not needing anyone else’s validation.

I am grateful for this experience as the gift from it is tremendous.  The opportunity to grow as a person and become more than I am now will enable me to contribute more positively and with more value to all of my friends and family and to the world.  I asked….and boy did I receive within 36 hours.  I am truly blessed and look forward to the next chapter in my life.

Wishing you peace, unconditional love, self-discovery, and joy, always!!!

CD1

I thought my learning might help someone out there so I’m posting this little tidbit.
Take everything you miss from your last relationship and write it down.
I miss feeling safe in his/her arms
I miss sharing my personal growth learnings with him/her
I miss feeling desirable to someone
etc..
Take all of the things you miss from the relationship and create a map for getting those things into your life…without someone else in your life.
For example…I miss feeling safe….for me, that means a roadmap to being financially independent. So what do I need to do? For me it means three things…
a. Grow my business within my company as that’s the fastest way to get more revenue
b. Look for a marketing position while I’m growing my busienss (this happens to be what I’d like to do eventually either instead of or in addition to my business)
c. Grow my skillset…for me, learn about Google Analytics, Google Adwords, SEO, Dreamweaver, and digital marketing as that’s the direction the marketing world is taking.
When I focus on improving my financial situation I know I’m taking steps towards feeling ‘safer’ in my life. This I have found is where my need for ‘safety’ has come from.

Next? Well, sharing my personal growth learnings…hmm….that means I need more friends that are more like minded. How do you do that?
Depends on what your beliefs are and your philosophy is. I’m open minded so for me it goes from getting more involved in church, signing up for a 2 hour meditation with tibetan singing bowls, and finding other events or organizations that would likely attract people of a similar path.

Now how on Earth do you feel desirable when someone else isn’t in your life? Not so hard. Buy a sexy outfit or something you think you look particularly great in. Whiten your teeth. Color your hair. work out. Eat healthier. I laughed to myself last night when I had an acquaintance suggest diving into a pint of ben and jerry’s cookie dough to sooth my heartache from my previous relationship. My mind immediately went to how would I feel better? I’d feel ok eating it. Afterwards, I’d feel much worse. So it motivated me to go to the gym and do longer cardio with a few pushups and things because after I work my body, I always feel better. Focus on the end and work your way back and find your motivation from wanting to feel better about yourself. I find that has been a very pivotal part of my change in behaviors. It can break old, strong habits if you are very goal focused and know for sure what you want…than just work your way back. IE: If I do x then when I’m done or get home or whatever it is..I will feel _____. If it’s a good feeling..then do it. If it’s not….then maybe figure out a better alternative.

Ok, this turned into a bit larger than a tidbit but I hope it helps someone. It was a significant learning for me so I hope it helps someone else, too.

Love to you always..and happiness and health.
CD1

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