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It’s been a while since I’ve written.  I have been inspired and then felt that the ‘lesson’ was not complete and then inspired, and then not ‘complete’ so I’m just going to pick this up where it’s at!  I know I’ve written on setting boundaries in my life before.  I’ve also written about where is God’s boundary and does he have one and the differences of opinion on that.

Today I’m revisiting boundaries in our lives.   I have been very blessed through prayer, experience, and spoken verses from the Bible to have received emotional healing of childhood wounds I thought were already healed.   Apparently, forgiving someone does not equal personal healing and is just the first step.  Silly me.  I had not realized that I was interacting with people looking to be validated in my life, especially with men.   However, this experience was true for most of my personal relationships.

An interesting dynamic starts to show itself when you begin to realize as the son or daughter of God, you are already valid.  Not only do you no longer seek validation, you also gain self respect.   In gaining this self respect, your interaction with historical relationships may begin to change.   Behaviors you once found acceptable or allowed you no longer tolerate in your life.   I find my reaction can be strong or defensive if I’m not self aware.   It appears as if three of my close friends overstep boundaries that I never recognized before.  It has caused me to pray and ask the Lord if I’m bringing these reactions into my life or if it is just a matter of recognizing the inappropriateness of behaviors.   I prefer not to lose friends but find it necessary to establish new boundaries of what is acceptable.   I am a firm believer in you are responsible for what you allow in your life.  I think with an approach of love things will work out….and of course prayer.

I’d be curious if others have had this experience and what typically happens…..do you develop new friends or do existing friends adjust to your newly ‘framed’ self?

This blog is nothing but consistent: relationships and God.  The interesting dance of how relationships can bring you closer to God and how God can clarify and form relationships….and change your perspective.

As a woman born in the Northeast US, I had some ideas of what the man I want to marry might be like.   My marriage that is now ended was one where I was co-dependent.   Now that I have come through that and have a relationship with Jesus, that picture has changed significantly.  Even now, I am finding lessons in my ideals versus what I could and should be looking for in a partner.

In this recent blizzard, I was left alone.  My “boyfriend” (I quote it becuase he’s a grown man) said he’d rather stay in his apartment than be here to help me.  Knowing we were likely to get about 30″ of snow and potentially lose power, I was very hurt.  Now that I’ve come through the storm and he obviously feels like a worm at this point seeing what it was like and that there was a travel ban so he could not come to help me…..what a different place I view that relationship from.   I have been praying and mulling over how uncared for I felt…feel.   I made it through last winter alone and was fine.   Which brought my mind to, “when I was alone”….so now what am I?  Not alone?   Yes, you can imagine a slight pity party in my head, can’t you? Luckily, I don’t allow myself to stay in self pity for very long.   However, this did make me look at my relationship with a whole new perspective.

Is it fair to expect a man to be my rescuer?  I think to some extent, yes.  A man’s love is demonstrated through actions.   However, if his apology is real, genuine, and he was truly being a block head for a moment, then what?   Is it devastation that I couldn’t count on him?  Is it significant? Yes and no.   We will see how things go.   I’m hurt, disappointed, but mostly, very pensive.    If this life truly is a temporary assignment before eternity, then how much does all of this matter?  It matters more, I think, that the person has a relationship with Jesus.  It matters if he does think more about how to be a helpful and supportive partner.

Then, it came to this.  Who can I count on 100% of the time?  Me? another human being?  Not really.  The only one, Absolute entity I can count on 100% of the time, is the Lord.  And you can take THAT to the bank!

People will be what they are going to be.  We make decisions about who we have in our lives and how we can best serve our purpose here.  When you understand that God has you, it becomes SO much more important to walk with Him, closely. It matters to have a close relationship with Him and that you work on building that relationship every day.  God will be there long after this brief life we have here. Jesus will hopefully welcome me to Heaven.  Can you truly ask for anything greater?

Given that knowledge and when we start to walk more closely with God, I think we shed a lot of baggage.  We do not get ‘offended’; we realize that everyone is only capable of being who they are on their journey.   Expectations, whether we set them or someone else sets them for us…they drift away.   To a certain extent we become naked again.   No baggage, no pretenses….just you in front of Jesus wondering if you’re being the person He would want you to be.   Once you are standing there, raw, really seeing yourself, the other person becomes ‘naked’ as well.  You don’t look at what they say about themselves.  You observe their actions and who they are to you without expectation….just the thoughts and actions exchanged.   You stop judging them and you shed your expectations of them.

Then, through the emotional processing and prayer there is the blessing.  Knowing that you choose to walk more closely with the Lord and that only His love is never-failing, beautiful, graceful, and something to consistently strive to build inside you and in your life.

How can you be angry with someone that builds your faith? I don’t think you can.

Wishing you perfect health, love, joy, laughter, and knowing your purpose in this life.  God bless!

CD1

This is a little snippet and I’d love feedback if anyone else out there has any experience. I hadn’t considered dating but have been put in the situation where a very nice man has asked me out and we’ve been dating for about a month. As you might be aware if you’ve read any of my blog, I’ve gone through a lot of changes in who I am and what I want. I don’t know if this is a good person for me or not but I do have one observation.

He is not an arrogant man. I was married to an arrogant man for 11 years and the first two men I dated were also very arrogant. I don’t know if men have the same experience with women so if you have experience….that would be neat to learn about, too. One thing I”ve learned is that an arrogant man constantly needs to either build himself up to other people or subtlely put them down….ok, sometimes not so subtlely. And what I realized is that deep down, these men don’t feel adequate in some way. Unless they fill that gap within themselves, this behavior continues. As a woman dating someone like this or going into a relationship with one…it’s only a matter of time before that energy gets turned on you.

From now on……no more dating arrogant men for me. I will pray for them and their healing…but it doesn’t mean that dating a man like that is a good idea.

I’d be curious if anyone else has any experience with this and if you agree or have any thoughts about the subject.

Wishing you love, peace, and perfect health, always!

CD1

Fasten your seat belt, this might be a longer post than usual…maybe a cup of tea or a latte?

I asked God for learning about 36 hours ago…learning that I need to not repeat mistakes in my relationships for the future and how to be the best person I can be.  I did use the context of “I’m ready” as well.  I guess I am/was because it came flooding in.  I’m going to go through a series of events in my life that led to this significant enlightenment.  Once I had it, it seems so obvious and so, almost, coy.  Somtimes until you get it so that it strikes you from soul to skin…I don’t think you really understand the significance.  This one shook my world and brought clarity to so much.    I was told this was likely before but I wasn’t able to receive it in such a way that gripped me and showed me what it really means…so here we go!

About a week and a half ago an ex-bf texted me..had some of my things, shame to throw them out…could put them in a box and he’d be happy to deliver himself!    We broke up early Feb so it’s been about 9 months.  Prior to that, I heard he went to a place I frequent looking for me in June and Easter he sent me a simple “Happy Easter!” text.  To his most recent text I replied, “that would be fine. ty”  to which he replied, “Are you working from home today?”   I don’t believe that’s any of his biz so I was polite but not warm and basically said if I wasn’t home he could leave it in or on the milk box on the steps.  To which I never got a reply nor did a box ever show up.            What disturbed me was my reaction.  At first I just shook out of anxiety for a few minutes.  Then I got back into my own skin and thought….Hey, you know you don’t want a man that wasn’t nice to you, is more proud than caring, and views women as a commodity so chill out.  and I did.  then….about a week later it was almost like a little program started to run.  I started to think about him.  And over a few days I started to feel worse about myself and I realized that it was like a little computer program got triggered and I became the less confident woman that I was when I had dated him.  The observation was very freeing and I let go of that baggage.  I was a little concerned that it even happened and asked for guidance.

Yesterday I heard from my soon to be ex.  He wants some of his things from the house and a few things that are considered ‘ours’ from the house.  I responded directly and politely with the legalities of everything and was glad he was well.  The shaking came back for about an hour and we had a couple of brief exchanges and then that was it.   I was recovering from that and wondering why I would be upset when I checked my home voicemail.

My dad and his girlfriend of 23 years have been having their difficulties.  However, she has decided that it’s time to pick on me so my father listens to her complain about me every day for a large portion of the day.    I, unfortunately, know about this because my dad has told me what she says about me.  Meanwhile in June I confronted her and asked why she didn’t like me anymore..she denied everything my dad said that she says and we were ‘ok’ and agreed to have direct communication.  None of this talking to everyone except the person you have a problem with “stuff”.  I guess she could not keep to that.  So she’s at it again and it hurts because we were close.  However, it’s beyond my control.   I don’t know what to do at this point.  I know I’m not emotionally ready to be the ‘bigger person’ that I was last time with this repeat problem.  So why is this important?  Well, here comes Thanksgiving!  Lookout. family time!  I was all set to volunteer on Thanksgiving and stop at a friend’s house in the evening when I got a call last week from my dad.   He said he’d like to go to dinner with me because he couldn’t enjoy his dinner at his gf’s daughter’s house knowing I was alone on Thanksgiving.  I was overcome with his thoughtfulness and love.   I really felt cared about for the first time in a long time.

And then the voicemail yesterday…..his tone was critical as usual saying, “I understand Susann’s daughter invited you for Thanksgiving and you declined.  Sometimes you have to be the bigger person……”  I emailed him back to explain that I’m not emotionally equipped to deal with the situation, etc.  We had some ok exchanges and I gave him an ‘out’ and we were talking about having dinner the night before together when I realized….I went from feeling so loved to feeling like an inconvenience.    I welcomed the interruption to this energy as I had plans to see a movie with a friend.  On the drive home it struck me like my own personal earthquake…guess you might call it a soul-quake.   And what I’m about to say I would like to preface with the knowledge that many many people, men and women, have been worse off than I was and am….this is just my personal soul-quake.     My father has never told me I’m pretty or beautiful.  He’s never said I could do or be anything.  He’s never said much except for criticism my entire life.  When I talk to my dad 99% is either about him or it’s criticism of some kind.   And it ripped through me inside and out…..I have been looking for self-esteem, personal value, personal beauty…all the things I had expected and wanted from my dad from external sources, ie: men.     There it was like someone stamped it on my forehead for the first time.  I have been uncertain why the crying came and still comes but now I realize that I’m grieving for what I did not receive and still have not from my dad.    Sure, you could have told me that a few months ago and I would have said, yeah, likely.   I tend to learn things the hard way but I learn them well when I do learn them, thankfully.  And this one I would not have really understood or learned unless I had that experience with every cell in my body and spirit.

So why did I shake when the ex bf contacted me? When the ex contacted me?   This ‘bond’ I had with these men for me was linked to my self-esteem, value, and beauty validation.  It was a deeper part of me looking to connect and get what it needed.  It’s also why my father’s gf creating problems bothered me so much as she’s part of the source of love from my dad.  I am investigating my next steps to heal these wounds and feed my soul so that I can be fulfilled and feel like a full person not needing anyone else’s validation.

I am grateful for this experience as the gift from it is tremendous.  The opportunity to grow as a person and become more than I am now will enable me to contribute more positively and with more value to all of my friends and family and to the world.  I asked….and boy did I receive within 36 hours.  I am truly blessed and look forward to the next chapter in my life.

Wishing you peace, unconditional love, self-discovery, and joy, always!!!

CD1

I thought my learning might help someone out there so I’m posting this little tidbit.
Take everything you miss from your last relationship and write it down.
I miss feeling safe in his/her arms
I miss sharing my personal growth learnings with him/her
I miss feeling desirable to someone
etc..
Take all of the things you miss from the relationship and create a map for getting those things into your life…without someone else in your life.
For example…I miss feeling safe….for me, that means a roadmap to being financially independent. So what do I need to do? For me it means three things…
a. Grow my business within my company as that’s the fastest way to get more revenue
b. Look for a marketing position while I’m growing my busienss (this happens to be what I’d like to do eventually either instead of or in addition to my business)
c. Grow my skillset…for me, learn about Google Analytics, Google Adwords, SEO, Dreamweaver, and digital marketing as that’s the direction the marketing world is taking.
When I focus on improving my financial situation I know I’m taking steps towards feeling ‘safer’ in my life. This I have found is where my need for ‘safety’ has come from.

Next? Well, sharing my personal growth learnings…hmm….that means I need more friends that are more like minded. How do you do that?
Depends on what your beliefs are and your philosophy is. I’m open minded so for me it goes from getting more involved in church, signing up for a 2 hour meditation with tibetan singing bowls, and finding other events or organizations that would likely attract people of a similar path.

Now how on Earth do you feel desirable when someone else isn’t in your life? Not so hard. Buy a sexy outfit or something you think you look particularly great in. Whiten your teeth. Color your hair. work out. Eat healthier. I laughed to myself last night when I had an acquaintance suggest diving into a pint of ben and jerry’s cookie dough to sooth my heartache from my previous relationship. My mind immediately went to how would I feel better? I’d feel ok eating it. Afterwards, I’d feel much worse. So it motivated me to go to the gym and do longer cardio with a few pushups and things because after I work my body, I always feel better. Focus on the end and work your way back and find your motivation from wanting to feel better about yourself. I find that has been a very pivotal part of my change in behaviors. It can break old, strong habits if you are very goal focused and know for sure what you want…than just work your way back. IE: If I do x then when I’m done or get home or whatever it is..I will feel _____. If it’s a good feeling..then do it. If it’s not….then maybe figure out a better alternative.

Ok, this turned into a bit larger than a tidbit but I hope it helps someone. It was a significant learning for me so I hope it helps someone else, too.

Love to you always..and happiness and health.
CD1

Most recent life events?

Finally filed for divorce; ex is now moved out; recent break up with 3rd bf since I knew I was getting divorced; mom passed away…..guess that’s enough for now.

After the past few months I’m taking a break from love, at least from the opposite sex.  There are so many thoughts whirling as I write this tonight.  I thought I was clear before I sat down.  Some of the key points on my journey that I have learned have been overwhelming, all-consuming, and freeing.

I’ve written about the first two bf’s.  Got my head clear after the second to learn why I was making poor choices. The third taught me that no matter how hard it is for ‘him’ or for me, to stick to what is best for me and not to acquiesce out of sympathy or any other reason.

Of all the personal growth that I’ve learned and digested over the past 15 months it is to get your ‘house’ in order…get your spirituality clear, who you are, what you want in life, what is your focus…and be financially independent.  I am, at this moment, working on becoming financially independent.  Which means until that time, there is fear related to the mortgage, bills, etc.  I am embracing that fear and not letting it own me…but acknowledging it and accepting today.   To be fully happy is to be able to exist in the world with all of these areas being at least stable or growing.

This last bf is on a similar journey as I am but has an addiction…..it was not a good idea to get involved until he was well past his 12 steps and then some.  Yet, I did not listen to my own intuition and got involved when I knew better simply because he said, “but I love you and thought you would be there to support me through my program”.  So the big question is why?

I’m sure there may be other women out there like me that feel like one of the greatest experiences in the physical is to have the ultimate love.

There are two learnings I am taking away from my latest experience….first, you can’t make successful choices when you are not fully taking care of your ‘house'(figurative).  Second, what am I putting as the most important relationship in my life?  For me, maybe not for  you, God and Jesus ‘should’ be my priority and then the worldly concerns.  For you, maybe it’s a spiritual existence of another kind or love of self…and that’s perfectly fine to interpret in a way that works for you.   For me, a strong relationship with God is the same as loving myself.

How can I feel safe in a man’s arms if I don’t feel safe in my own?

What can I bring to a relationship if I’m dependent in any areas of my life?

How can I make the best choices if I feel dependent or invested in an outcome of some kind related to it?

Deepak Chopra talks about the law of detachment.  I am learning to work on a new relationship with myself before getting involved with a lover again.  I am detaching myself from the need of a relationship with the opposite sex for a while to stand on my own, feel safe on my own, feel loved on my own, exist financially independently, and improve what I can offer to the world.

If it helps you, ask what is owning you in your life?  What owns you versus you owning it?  What makes you feel destroyed if it goes away?  I hope it is nothing….that you are more successful than I have been to this point.  If not, I invite you to investigate and see if your priorities are where you’d like them.  If not, maybe you can make little changes to move closer to where you’d like to be and maybe you can save yourself some pain and learn without having to experience it.

I have been very blessed by having these experiences and learning from all of them.  Painful? Heck yes. Worth it?  Heck yes. In a million years I will still choose to love, feel, learn, experience, and know that the path ahead is beautiful no matter the pain on the way.  I hope at least the lessons are better learned through pain; and I would rather learn them well than not at all.

Thank you for reading and I wish you love, peace, health, and light!

Most sincerely,

CD1

Dating has been an interesting experience related to coming from love and loving oneself. The one person that I am really attracted to did not ask me out but I usually see him once a week at a common venue.
I asked him to go on a Segway tour at a local town by the ocean via email which he enthusiastically accepted. The next day we met at the usual venue where we did have our first kiss…which was really wonderful.
He ended up having to work instead of going on the tour with me and was very nice about it via text ending with, “please know that it upsets me to miss a great day with you”.
To which I texted back a flirty and very understanding email so not to make a big deal about it because really, there is nothing either one of us could have done about it. It was out of our control so you’re best accepting it and looking forward to the next time we can go out. However, I’ve not heard a peep from him since. I had expected at least a “thank you for understanding” text back. But no. And that’s fine.
The interesting part is what the brain did. The brain started a chatter of what does he think, does he like me, etc. And the fact that I did not hear from him ended up being the greatest gift. I was able to get myself back in balance and be sure that I am coming from a loving, not a needy place. I got back to my grounded statement – no one and nothing can determine my value, beauty, or who I am…and if the mind creates chatter giving something or someone that power, quiet the mind and take the power back.
So at this point….I can look forward to seeing him and know that I am loving and happy either way. If it works out and we move forward…great. If he is not interested or does not have the courage to move forward, then that’s all right, too. Everything is as it is and it’s beautiful.
So I am focusing on happiness, love and enjoying life.
Wishing everyone joyous bliss as every one of us is a gift and a blessing…love to all!!!
CD

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