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I am overwhelmed and in awe of the gifts I have received from God over the past few days.
I have really shifted to trusting and knowing that God will take care of me no matter what. I know and understand that my plans are ok but if they’re not working out, it’s because there is a bigger plan that is more perfect than I could ever imagine. I guess you have to call it blind faith when you don’t see what you want but you still trust that what is in your best interest is what is happening.
Gift Number One: A couple of weeks ago I thought maybe I am supposed to pay for my bad decisions; I will pay for mine and my “soon to be” ex’s. I told God that if it is best to pay for money mismanagement and gluttony and marrying the wrong sort of man…that I would pay for my share and his. I trust that He will create a way for me to pay for everything on my own and take care of me.
Today was ‘meet with my lawyer’ day regarding the next steps in my divorce. As my lawyer started to discuss the assets and liabilities and possibilities…I felt fear creep into my chest. Immediately I thought…no. You have no place here. I trust you, God, to take care of me and that I am in your incredible hands…..and I let the fear leave and felt comforted knowing that whatever is supposed to happen would happen and I will be fine.
When I left the meeting…I started to soak in everything discussed. I am in a much better position than I ever thought I would be. All sorts of things that created a safety net so to speak in the agreement became evident. That was my gift today – to feel the comfort of knowing I am taken care of and to end up in a position I never could have imagined.
Gift Number Two: Yesterday morning I prayed that somehow my thoughts could be changed. Can I please be more patient, kind and gentle…and treat others with utmost respect and compassion. In less than two hours….I had the tool to make these changes. I still have chills every time I think about it. I wanted to lose my critical and petty thoughts and shift out of that ‘space’. I am very newly saved so I am learning how to be a better Christian. In my final ‘access class’ I learned to treat everyone as if s/he is Jesus because Jesus is in all of us. When I think of people that way…it creates a new level of patience and compassion. I still slip into my lesser self with thoughts but now I have a tool to work on keeping forefront in my mind to maintain the most important commandment, ‘to love one another’. To elaborate even further..the service was about what it means to truly be a friend and in fellowship and how not to be a “drive by” Christian.
Gift Number Three: The gifts have been both spiritual and material. I was wondering how I was giong to pay for my animals’ food and some other things, put gas in the car, etc. when an overflow of things have randomly come to me. A business partner said I had a credit so they sent me a check for $186.00 which arrived Saturday. Today I received a gift card for $120 from my internet/phone/cable company. When I went to my usual and favorite pet store….they had set aside freeze dried samples for me that I’ve been supplementing my cats’ dinners with. I have two cats with hyperthyroidism and 2 out of the three get bladder stones which can be fatal and/or expensive to remove. They must have given me at least $60-$100 worth of free samples and some for the doggie, too. They said they were just going to throw them out but they thought of me. Sooooo generous!! Just touches my heart!!!
It is moving…..how I feel taken care of in every way. I am filled with awe..it is not some awe, awesome,…..it is completely overflowing with awe! AWE-FULL!
I have had many a belly laugh lately. In my small group meeting a woman who has been truly a Christian since she was a little girl said, “Well, when you become a Christian there are valleys and mountain tops so just manage your expectation.” My response was, “Well, I don’t want to because I don’t want to believe there’s a valley…I don’t want to come down from the mountain top.” To which she responded with laughter, “I meant you’re in the valley and you have some fantastic times coming your way!” I burst out laughing and I do every time I think of it. The joy I feel no matter what else is going on in my life has been different, life-changing, thought changing, thought-provoking, beauty in motion and emotion, nothing like I’ve ever experienced. I feel as if I am changed forever and am eager to learn and be more. I was thinking about this exchange while tidying the house and I just laughed until my stomach hurt and thought…yes…this is the state I want to be in when I write my next blog..so here I am…in total joy, overwhelmment, and love. I had a few moments of grace this morning. I have meditated and done many other techniques but nothing was like the feeling that came over me this morning….and it wasn’t coming from me. It came upon me, from above and in front of me. I would give anything to have that experience again. The last and most wonderful gift yet!
I realize this particular blog is a little choppy….more like a list of gifts….but this list has significant meaning to me, to my heart. Gratitude doesn’t even begin to express how deeply I have experienced these gifts. I had to share them.
Wishing you love, light, peace, joy, and grace…always,
CD1
Wet, Add Shampoo, Lather, Rinse, repeat until hair is squeaky clean.
It’s my thought that we continue to experience similar events in our lives until we learn from them….really learn with every cell in our body. I am going to share something very personal for the sake of demonstration. Please know that I have no animosity towards my mom and I know she was doing the best she could; she was likely not very happy with herself or her life or she would not have done this. My example takes place between 6th – 8th grade. At least three mornings a week my mom would wake up completely grumpy and send me off to school after screaming at me that I was fat, unattractive, and why would someone like me have any friends. She would be really violent with her tantrum though never physically hurt me.
Now that I’m an adult I have choices. I can resent her forever or I can understand how tortured she must have been to do that to her only daughter. What I have taken from this are incredible gifts, though it has taken me years to process and truly forgive my mom. I regret that I did not fully lose my resentment until much later in life because she is no longer here on Earth as of May 16th this year. However, having come out of this experience and analyzed how it has affected my choices and behaviors, I have a gift. I can relate and empathize with people that have come from worse hardship than I have. I have a deeply felt compassion for people in emotional pain and sometimes I can help them. I would not be the woman I am today if I did not have this experience. I feel deeply and can establish a connection quickly with most people and enjoy learning about them. I can’t imagine a bigger gift.
So why repeat? It struck me that I am being attacked by my father’s girlfriend of 23 years with whom I was very close until about a year ago. She has been criticizing me to my father every day for a large portion of the day; it’s become very prominent in the past two months. It struck me today that this is very much a repeat of what my mother put me through years ago, though a bit less direct…yet still as hurtful. And I realize now, that she must be in a lot of pain to lash out at someone who has been nothing but kind to her. I have endured many an evening of too much wine when she might have insulted me or my family but assumed that wasn’t her real intention as she was more elaborately looking to build herself and her family up due to some lack she feels in her heart.
How large must her pain be to spend so much time in anger and hatred? For me, as of this evening, I am feeling a great deal of compassion for her. I have been praying for her but tonight and moving forward, my prayers will be even more heartfelt. No, it doesn’t mean I’m going to subject myself to abuse; it does mean that I can look at her and the situation with a great deal of love and extend my heart to ask God to comfort and heal her for whatever she is going through. Her behavior, which I cannot control, has laid heavy on my heart and now….that weight has been lifted. I am grateful for the learning and am happy that I don’t believe something like this will repeat in my life. I am finally at peace with her actions.
If you have a source of pain in your life from someone else’s behavior, something you cannot control, maybe there’s a gift in that. Maybe there’s a way you can be grateful and figure out how to heal yourself and find compassion.
This evening I experienced a significant shift in who I am and how I choose to live. I thought maybe someone else out there might be helped by this post. If so, I’m grateful and thank you for reading.
Wishing you love, compassion, joy, and peace…always.
CD1
Fasten your seat belt, this might be a longer post than usual…maybe a cup of tea or a latte?
I asked God for learning about 36 hours ago…learning that I need to not repeat mistakes in my relationships for the future and how to be the best person I can be. I did use the context of “I’m ready” as well. I guess I am/was because it came flooding in. I’m going to go through a series of events in my life that led to this significant enlightenment. Once I had it, it seems so obvious and so, almost, coy. Somtimes until you get it so that it strikes you from soul to skin…I don’t think you really understand the significance. This one shook my world and brought clarity to so much. I was told this was likely before but I wasn’t able to receive it in such a way that gripped me and showed me what it really means…so here we go!
About a week and a half ago an ex-bf texted me..had some of my things, shame to throw them out…could put them in a box and he’d be happy to deliver himself! We broke up early Feb so it’s been about 9 months. Prior to that, I heard he went to a place I frequent looking for me in June and Easter he sent me a simple “Happy Easter!” text. To his most recent text I replied, “that would be fine. ty” to which he replied, “Are you working from home today?” I don’t believe that’s any of his biz so I was polite but not warm and basically said if I wasn’t home he could leave it in or on the milk box on the steps. To which I never got a reply nor did a box ever show up. What disturbed me was my reaction. At first I just shook out of anxiety for a few minutes. Then I got back into my own skin and thought….Hey, you know you don’t want a man that wasn’t nice to you, is more proud than caring, and views women as a commodity so chill out. and I did. then….about a week later it was almost like a little program started to run. I started to think about him. And over a few days I started to feel worse about myself and I realized that it was like a little computer program got triggered and I became the less confident woman that I was when I had dated him. The observation was very freeing and I let go of that baggage. I was a little concerned that it even happened and asked for guidance.
Yesterday I heard from my soon to be ex. He wants some of his things from the house and a few things that are considered ‘ours’ from the house. I responded directly and politely with the legalities of everything and was glad he was well. The shaking came back for about an hour and we had a couple of brief exchanges and then that was it. I was recovering from that and wondering why I would be upset when I checked my home voicemail.
My dad and his girlfriend of 23 years have been having their difficulties. However, she has decided that it’s time to pick on me so my father listens to her complain about me every day for a large portion of the day. I, unfortunately, know about this because my dad has told me what she says about me. Meanwhile in June I confronted her and asked why she didn’t like me anymore..she denied everything my dad said that she says and we were ‘ok’ and agreed to have direct communication. None of this talking to everyone except the person you have a problem with “stuff”. I guess she could not keep to that. So she’s at it again and it hurts because we were close. However, it’s beyond my control. I don’t know what to do at this point. I know I’m not emotionally ready to be the ‘bigger person’ that I was last time with this repeat problem. So why is this important? Well, here comes Thanksgiving! Lookout. family time! I was all set to volunteer on Thanksgiving and stop at a friend’s house in the evening when I got a call last week from my dad. He said he’d like to go to dinner with me because he couldn’t enjoy his dinner at his gf’s daughter’s house knowing I was alone on Thanksgiving. I was overcome with his thoughtfulness and love. I really felt cared about for the first time in a long time.
And then the voicemail yesterday…..his tone was critical as usual saying, “I understand Susann’s daughter invited you for Thanksgiving and you declined. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person……” I emailed him back to explain that I’m not emotionally equipped to deal with the situation, etc. We had some ok exchanges and I gave him an ‘out’ and we were talking about having dinner the night before together when I realized….I went from feeling so loved to feeling like an inconvenience. I welcomed the interruption to this energy as I had plans to see a movie with a friend. On the drive home it struck me like my own personal earthquake…guess you might call it a soul-quake. And what I’m about to say I would like to preface with the knowledge that many many people, men and women, have been worse off than I was and am….this is just my personal soul-quake. My father has never told me I’m pretty or beautiful. He’s never said I could do or be anything. He’s never said much except for criticism my entire life. When I talk to my dad 99% is either about him or it’s criticism of some kind. And it ripped through me inside and out…..I have been looking for self-esteem, personal value, personal beauty…all the things I had expected and wanted from my dad from external sources, ie: men. There it was like someone stamped it on my forehead for the first time. I have been uncertain why the crying came and still comes but now I realize that I’m grieving for what I did not receive and still have not from my dad. Sure, you could have told me that a few months ago and I would have said, yeah, likely. I tend to learn things the hard way but I learn them well when I do learn them, thankfully. And this one I would not have really understood or learned unless I had that experience with every cell in my body and spirit.
So why did I shake when the ex bf contacted me? When the ex contacted me? This ‘bond’ I had with these men for me was linked to my self-esteem, value, and beauty validation. It was a deeper part of me looking to connect and get what it needed. It’s also why my father’s gf creating problems bothered me so much as she’s part of the source of love from my dad. I am investigating my next steps to heal these wounds and feed my soul so that I can be fulfilled and feel like a full person not needing anyone else’s validation.
I am grateful for this experience as the gift from it is tremendous. The opportunity to grow as a person and become more than I am now will enable me to contribute more positively and with more value to all of my friends and family and to the world. I asked….and boy did I receive within 36 hours. I am truly blessed and look forward to the next chapter in my life.
Wishing you peace, unconditional love, self-discovery, and joy, always!!!
CD1
Election Day
I didn’t think much of it but struggled a lot for whom I would vote for. Meanwhile in the background it’s been a roller coaster day and week, really. I had one friend in the throws of what to do with her relationship call and literally vent/scream for a half an hour. Another out of nowhere had a sudden outburst at me. None of it was meant for me but I received a bit. While the second hurt a bit only because now that I live without another human being, I’m not used to being yelled at….shocked me.
On a personal level…I found great comfort in a very competent recruiter that told me I am very marketable and gave me more optimism towards my next step in my career.
And…I voted for the opposite person I was going to vote for based on research and articles. I’m frankly not crazy about the choices but felt I would at least make a vote that would quasi count given our electoral college.
Through the day I was reminded of so many things I’m grateful for. As I left the voting area….I had a bit of a walk and I thought….it feels incredible to know I’m taking great care of my heart. I was also thankful that I’m not having emotional turmoil in my life created by another or external forces. Anything I feel is created by my own mind so why not create peace, beauty and optimism.
Last week I started to think about an ex bf. I wondered why and I kept asking why for days. Then, on Friday…there it was. He texted me. Turns out it was a huge gift to think about that relationship, why I’m not in that relationship anymore, and would I ever revisit that relationship? No. I would not. He was not nice to me many times; he treated women as a commodity; and mostly, he broke some cardinal basic laws of humanity and overall caring of another human being’s life. While I believe he was hurting from an ex gf, there were still larger problems under that foundation that would prevent any woman who at least likes herself to say, no thank you. I’m glad I did.
Surrounded by friends in emotional turmoil and an ex trying to weave his way back into my life made me thankful that I’ve learned to take care of my heart and keep it for someone who cherishes and loves me. It also makes me thankful that I’m not in emotional turmoil and to pray for my friends peace and love and healing.
I’ve never stopped and thought about taking good care of my heart before. This has been a first for me and the observation and experience is lovely. I wish it for everyone and hope that I stay on the path towards healthy, full, deep love.
Wishing you peace, love, health, light, and inspiration….always.
CD1
I had wondered why when an exclusive relationship broke up, I am a little devastated and it takes me a while to heal.
Am I needy? Not particularly.
Would I prefer to stay in a relationship that wasn’t serving either of us? No, definitely not.
So why the pain?
Recently I’ve been watching all sorts of videos and snippets on love, relationships, and what it means to be physical with someone in a relationship.
Well, it’s not that I am needy, desperate, mal-adjusted, issue-ridden, etc.
Turns out, I’m likely in better balance with my spiritual and physical than I thought.
This is something I have been working towards for years with yoga, exercise, nutrition, meditation, some hypnosis and subliminal work, etc.
Turns out, it makes sense. What was I doing wrong? I was not taking proper care of my body.
Often we eat organic foods, we exercise, we moisturize, we anti-age cream ourselves…do a lot of things that help the body inside and out.
Yet….at least for me, I forgot that my soul lives inside this wonderful body, too.
My most recent learning is that when I make the decision to be physical with someone I’m in a relationship with….I’m giving them not only my body but a piece of my soul. They are connected, not disconnected. This is very significant and explains the pain I’ve felt and still feel since my last break up of almost a month ago.
If I had looked at it that way….like I was giving this person a piece of my soul…would I have gotten physical with him? Easy answer there…heyl NO! Not at that point.
Some people might think I’m nuts and well..that’s ok. I am not one of those people that is disconnected spiritually from my body. I innately knew this but the synapse hadn’t carried its way to consciousness.
So, it was comforting that I understand why so much pain…but not comforting that I had not been taking better care of myself with such a significant part of me.
From now on, the person will have to be a worthy partner before the physical aspect of a relationship could be remotely possible.
I think this is the final way (aside from financial independence) to take care of myself and love myself properly to be a better woman.
This shift in perspective and consiousness has been strangely profound and very freeing.
I hope this helps someone out there. Wishing you love, peace, happiness, joy, and to find your passion in life and live it..always!!!!
Most sincerely,
CD1
I am feeling a little creative today and looking to shift my energy to a better place. I thought I’d just share some thoughts on Fall. It’s my favorite season and maybe that explains how my life has evolved.
It’s sunny and beautiful one day, chill and crisp the next. The temperature from the day to the evening can vary up to 30F sometimes. Most of all, I think it’s the gentle and even sometimes rough wind of mother nature letting me know that it’s necessary to shake the tree every once in a while to promote proper growth.
It’s my favorite time of year to take leisurely walks. No matter where I roam I can almost always count on the feeling of being uplifted by the breeze, observe the debris from a vibrant Summer now being thrown into it’s next step to provide a fertile foundation for the next year’s growth.
The once strong green or red leaves now start to show their other colors that have been there all along but have been covered by their strength. Slowly they allow themselves to be more and more vulnerable until they finally are coaxed off of their tree.
It’s a churning of the existing and a promise of the new and a signal that the next step has to be taken.
Nature moves forward without resistance, embracing every new environment knowing full well that there is always a tomorrow.
So much can be learned from embracing change and enjoying the process of it knowing all the while, tomorrow will be at least as beautiful if not more so.
It’s a lot like life. Even when you’re sad, having pain, maybe focusing on a previous ‘season’ in your life….enjoying the present knowing that the current changes are preparing you for another day….feeling taken care of in that energy and feeling ‘safe’ in that energy. I am so much a student of life and feel that I always will be that I think if I can embrace the season of change….and apply the beauty of it to my own life…then every moment I do this will lead to a happier and happier moment.
I wish you love and gentle, beautiful, appreciative change in your life and hope that no matter what, you always know you are loved and that every day will be better and better.
Love and peace..thank you for reading.
Most sincerely,
CD1
I thought my learning might help someone out there so I’m posting this little tidbit.
Take everything you miss from your last relationship and write it down.
I miss feeling safe in his/her arms
I miss sharing my personal growth learnings with him/her
I miss feeling desirable to someone
etc..
Take all of the things you miss from the relationship and create a map for getting those things into your life…without someone else in your life.
For example…I miss feeling safe….for me, that means a roadmap to being financially independent. So what do I need to do? For me it means three things…
a. Grow my business within my company as that’s the fastest way to get more revenue
b. Look for a marketing position while I’m growing my busienss (this happens to be what I’d like to do eventually either instead of or in addition to my business)
c. Grow my skillset…for me, learn about Google Analytics, Google Adwords, SEO, Dreamweaver, and digital marketing as that’s the direction the marketing world is taking.
When I focus on improving my financial situation I know I’m taking steps towards feeling ‘safer’ in my life. This I have found is where my need for ‘safety’ has come from.
Next? Well, sharing my personal growth learnings…hmm….that means I need more friends that are more like minded. How do you do that?
Depends on what your beliefs are and your philosophy is. I’m open minded so for me it goes from getting more involved in church, signing up for a 2 hour meditation with tibetan singing bowls, and finding other events or organizations that would likely attract people of a similar path.
Now how on Earth do you feel desirable when someone else isn’t in your life? Not so hard. Buy a sexy outfit or something you think you look particularly great in. Whiten your teeth. Color your hair. work out. Eat healthier. I laughed to myself last night when I had an acquaintance suggest diving into a pint of ben and jerry’s cookie dough to sooth my heartache from my previous relationship. My mind immediately went to how would I feel better? I’d feel ok eating it. Afterwards, I’d feel much worse. So it motivated me to go to the gym and do longer cardio with a few pushups and things because after I work my body, I always feel better. Focus on the end and work your way back and find your motivation from wanting to feel better about yourself. I find that has been a very pivotal part of my change in behaviors. It can break old, strong habits if you are very goal focused and know for sure what you want…than just work your way back. IE: If I do x then when I’m done or get home or whatever it is..I will feel _____. If it’s a good feeling..then do it. If it’s not….then maybe figure out a better alternative.
Ok, this turned into a bit larger than a tidbit but I hope it helps someone. It was a significant learning for me so I hope it helps someone else, too.
Love to you always..and happiness and health.
CD1
Most recent life events?
Finally filed for divorce; ex is now moved out; recent break up with 3rd bf since I knew I was getting divorced; mom passed away…..guess that’s enough for now.
After the past few months I’m taking a break from love, at least from the opposite sex. There are so many thoughts whirling as I write this tonight. I thought I was clear before I sat down. Some of the key points on my journey that I have learned have been overwhelming, all-consuming, and freeing.
I’ve written about the first two bf’s. Got my head clear after the second to learn why I was making poor choices. The third taught me that no matter how hard it is for ‘him’ or for me, to stick to what is best for me and not to acquiesce out of sympathy or any other reason.
Of all the personal growth that I’ve learned and digested over the past 15 months it is to get your ‘house’ in order…get your spirituality clear, who you are, what you want in life, what is your focus…and be financially independent. I am, at this moment, working on becoming financially independent. Which means until that time, there is fear related to the mortgage, bills, etc. I am embracing that fear and not letting it own me…but acknowledging it and accepting today. To be fully happy is to be able to exist in the world with all of these areas being at least stable or growing.
This last bf is on a similar journey as I am but has an addiction…..it was not a good idea to get involved until he was well past his 12 steps and then some. Yet, I did not listen to my own intuition and got involved when I knew better simply because he said, “but I love you and thought you would be there to support me through my program”. So the big question is why?
I’m sure there may be other women out there like me that feel like one of the greatest experiences in the physical is to have the ultimate love.
There are two learnings I am taking away from my latest experience….first, you can’t make successful choices when you are not fully taking care of your ‘house'(figurative). Second, what am I putting as the most important relationship in my life? For me, maybe not for you, God and Jesus ‘should’ be my priority and then the worldly concerns. For you, maybe it’s a spiritual existence of another kind or love of self…and that’s perfectly fine to interpret in a way that works for you. For me, a strong relationship with God is the same as loving myself.
How can I feel safe in a man’s arms if I don’t feel safe in my own?
What can I bring to a relationship if I’m dependent in any areas of my life?
How can I make the best choices if I feel dependent or invested in an outcome of some kind related to it?
Deepak Chopra talks about the law of detachment. I am learning to work on a new relationship with myself before getting involved with a lover again. I am detaching myself from the need of a relationship with the opposite sex for a while to stand on my own, feel safe on my own, feel loved on my own, exist financially independently, and improve what I can offer to the world.
If it helps you, ask what is owning you in your life? What owns you versus you owning it? What makes you feel destroyed if it goes away? I hope it is nothing….that you are more successful than I have been to this point. If not, I invite you to investigate and see if your priorities are where you’d like them. If not, maybe you can make little changes to move closer to where you’d like to be and maybe you can save yourself some pain and learn without having to experience it.
I have been very blessed by having these experiences and learning from all of them. Painful? Heck yes. Worth it? Heck yes. In a million years I will still choose to love, feel, learn, experience, and know that the path ahead is beautiful no matter the pain on the way. I hope at least the lessons are better learned through pain; and I would rather learn them well than not at all.
Thank you for reading and I wish you love, peace, health, and light!
Most sincerely,
CD1
Wow…I have had so much going on since I last wrote….
I have done 7 lessons in the Overcoming Self Sabotage Course on DailyOM.com.
I have uncovered the undercurrent of my emotions and what I used to think of myself or well, how little I thought of myself.
And now…I’m dead set on finding my passion – what is my purpose…and I do not know what it is…I’m listening in stillness, meditation. I’ve done several exercises and doing more. I get little inspirations but they do not feel like my purpose.
I no longer think I have no value…I know I have value…exactly what my value is…still vague but working on that.
I know I am love, deserve to be loved and am loving.
It had been 2 months since I heard from the ex bf. Sent me a “happy Easter!!!” text. At first so many things stirred. Then I quieted and realized that I am so different than I was when I dated him. I am quietly calm and know what I want and what I don’t want. Immediately my thoughts had gone to, what do I do if he says he misses me or wants to see me? Neither of which he’s done thus far..LOL! And it’s Weds after.. And there is no crisis…there is nothing. If it is meant to be then he will come back into my life, slowly, and he will treat me wonderfully. If it is not meant to be, then he will not or he will and will not treat me well. I am no longer carrying the internal belief that you have to suffer emotional cruelty in order to be loved. And so, if behavior does not honor me as a person I will first communicate it and if that behavior does not change…then I would not continue to see him. It’s very simple, really. If I am taken for granted and not appreciated…then I will move away.
So there is no longer any neediness, fear, or crisis of any kind. I know that my true love is ‘here’ somewhere probably looking for me, too. And when we meet, it will be fabulous.
I do know that when the ex bf and I met, neither one of us was ready for the other. I was still programmed to negative messaging and he was still licking his wounds from a break up. We collided quickly and blew it all up. What remains to be seen is, 1. will he communicate and look to get me back in his life?(either way it doesn’t matter….I’m aok) 2. If he does…is that who he really is, or will he have also gone through a transformation and be the kind and loving person I’m looking for? Romantic? Etc? Was he fear-based before or still or is that who he really is? We will see.
I can’t imagine that he would send a “Happy Easter!!!” without any intention of contacting me again. I did send a reply later in the day, “Back at you”.
Meanwhile, I am very focused on finding my purpose…..I am so excited to learn what it is and am driven to find it.
Currently reading Eckert Tolle’s “The Power of Now” in addition to my other courses, studies and highly recommend it.
And so the journey continues…..true love? pending Purpose? pending Self Acceptance and Love? processing and percolating and beautiful…every day is like a flower opening with a new gift….I am enjoying this part the most, as it’s got the most momentum, Spirituality? Found a non-denominational Christian church with a pastor that I love and have been offered discipleship from a good friend (could I be more blessed?!! So grateful) Financial Independence? pending Friends and Family? Doing well, need somework in some family areas and always looking for new friends.
A passionate life? I guess you could say pending with progress? Yet, I’m passionate about the journey I’m on and I trust that all will be well and I will be passionately engaged in life….Thank you for ‘listening’!!
May your life be filled with love, joy, happiness, laughter until your stomach hurts, and perfect health!!!
Namaste with Love!
CD
Good evening,
Yup, been a while again…waiting for something meaty to happen. Well, After listening to Wayne Dyer’s “Wishes Fulfilled”, starting “Follow Your True Colors to the Work You Love” by Carolyn Kalil and taking “Overcoming Self Sabotage” on the DailyOM….I had two significant breakthroughs in my life after lesson 3 on the DailyOM. I’m sharing them here in case there are any a ha’s for anyone else out there. I got my a ha by a lovely woman who posted on the discussion board for the course and it triggered mine.
First – I’ve been at least a little overweight from 5th grade on in my life. I have lost weight but never stayed there. Over the past 1.5 years I’ve lost 50+ lbs steadily and have no interest in gaining it back and I’ve totally changed my lifestyle. That being said, I’ve been plateau’d for 6 months (3 due to surgery). I think it’s another fear barrier that I’m now overcoming.
So why the weight?
Will get to that.
So during the meditation for lesson 3 – it’s about what emotions you suppress…and it all came back…a deep sadness in my heart. i thought I had healed it but it was still there. I cried during the meditation and asked for help to find how I can take that sadness and do what needs to be done to heal or overcome or however I can shift to joy.
Started reading the discussion list for the course and wow….it all came out.
Fifth Grade……that was the year that I developed earlier than all of the other girls. I was uncomfortable with my body being more advanced than other girls. And, more significantly…I went from being the princess to my dad to him pulling away because he wasn’t comfortable or didn’t know how to react now that I was becoming a woman. Please note that I don’t blame my father for this. He was doing the best he could at the time and it’s really his own baggage that created his pulling away. However, the impact was that I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt ashamed and like I wanted to hide my body. So there you have it – since 5th grade I’ve been trying to hide my body via my weight instead of being a sexy glamorous woman, I was ashamed, felt unloved, unloving, and overall less valued or had less self worth.
So now what?
when the breakthrough hit me…it lifted a lot of that sadness and I started to get really joyful and ecstatic. like nothing could stop me. I’ve mellowed from the emotion but I also now reallize….
I am love
I am lovable
I deserve my true love
I am loving
And now that I see the root of the problem, it seems so silly….my dad’s issues became the whole influence of my own value and perception.
Second learning? Well, as I was writing this in my journal this morning, my second ‘a ha’ came. I had learned a false behavior from my mother linked to not valueing myself with men. My mother took emotional abuse from my father for almost their whole marriage. now, I’m still not blaming my dad….it takes two to tango. but, she did it because she had this inherent belief that if she ‘took it’ then she would have a prize at the end of the day or she had ‘earned’ something. As it turns out, they got divorced later in life and all that she earned herself was a divorce she never got over. I don’t mean to say that insensitively. it was just difficult to see and I don’t want to repeat her mistakes. My most recent break up I saw that parallel in myself. there were plenty of behaviors that did not honor me and I didn’t know how to address them so I did not. and then as you know, if you’ve read this, I blew up after drinking a bit. And that was all based on me being upset with myself for not establishing boundaries. and now I know why I wasn’t comfortable setting them….I don’t beleive exactly as my mom did…but I still had a similar belief system that if I ‘took it” a little, it would be for the better of the relationship when really, no relationship can last if both people do not value themselves and communicate these boundaries.
I had asked myself time and time again, if I’m happy, how could I have attracted that to myself? And as it turns out – there is this sadness…or was…and this behavior…and that combination could never produce my true love that I know I can have.
I did the same meditation tonight as I did this morning to find emotions that I’m suppressing and nothing else came up; I did not cry; and it feels like the sadness may be healing.
it’s been quite a journey. I’m also guessing I’m not the only person who had a dad that became uncomfortable with me after I started to develop. So, if this helps you in any way….I am glad.
I wish you love, joy, self-love, laughter, perfect health and abundance!!!
Thank you and love to you!!
Most sincerely,
CD
JourneytoLovingSelf 