Sometimes I think it’s difficult to see your own progress…to take a birds-eye view of your own life and where you are now, how you got here, and how you’ve changed. I am not only on a life journey but a journey with the Lord asking, begging, pleading to be changed and become a better disciple. Reconciliation with Him is quite often my biggest struggle….not feeling good enough when it’s not really up to me to exactly ‘do’ anything to be loved by God except to accept his incredible grace and patience. It’s working to improve my faith, knowledge, and many conversations with Him that keeps creating changes in me and my life.

I have become witness to a phenomenon that I don’t think is any great epiphony, necessarily. However, I see women get depressed, avoid, and escape their problems in hopes that a man is going to ‘rescue’ them. Like a man is the last piece of the puzzle that they need to be complete and then everything will be fabulous. I think I see it so well because that was me when I got married about 12 years ago. I’ve probably written how it’s unfair to get into a relationship if you’re not ‘whole’ getting into it because no one else can make you happy. Any expectation of someone else completing you is a huge burden on the other person that they don’t deserve…very unfair and impossible to accomplish.

On this journey I thought God had filled all of my ‘gaps’. I was very happy and chugging along with my faith, my work, my friends, family, and yes, my pets, too, that I am blessed to have. Just when you think you’ve ‘arrived’, you get a new perspective.

This week I had two of my closest friends ignore me and be feisty with me and I wasn’t quite myself, either..I will shamefully admit. I do understand that sometimes close friends need some time off from each other, too, to re-energize and bring other experiences into the friendship. I’m ok with that. Into the Gap I went again….all friends stopped most communication with me as well as my brother and dad—all I have left for immediate family. I hadn’t really connected with either one since the end of June.

Well, step into the void and see what happens. There it was. Just me, my dog, and cats….and back to me…and the Lord. As with all change I have experienced….the emotional swing is challenging yet beautiful because we often reach out to God with even more heart felt words. Just this morning I asked God to please show me what I’m learning….I had no idea what was going on but I knew there was a lot of emotional upheaval that I decided to experience and let it happen and invite His guidance….and there it was…I had another gap I wasn’t aware of.

If you truly had no one in your life….absolutely no one….would you be ok? Would your relationship with the Lord be all you need? There it was…staring me in the face.
So how are you, really, Cris? (ok, that’s me in case you only know me as CD1)
Where are you in your walk? Are you honestly and truly giving yourself to God in every way to feel fulfilled and valued by your relationship with Him?

And completely off-topic….this has been on my mind a LOT this week…..
I have recently been struggling with whether or not I would give up being saved to save my brother. The thought of him in hell, total darkness for all eternity among many other things made me break down this week. I had that conversation in my head…could I give up my salvation to save my brother? I wasn’t quite there. Now I know that it’s not an “either or” situation. I also pray for him to be saved every day along with many people. But that question resonates with me for some reason..could and would I do that?
I don’t know. Considering this life is a blip compared to after this life..it’s a very large question. I have a suspicion that’s the devil trying to make me feel inadequate and nothing to do with anything that matters. I also think it doesn’t hurt to examine yourself sometimes, too. If anything..I think it builds faith. Knowing hell is real is definitely understanding faith and a motivator though I don’t believe in ‘fear motivation’. Though, it does build a healthy respect and fear of the power of the Lord.

I know I will always be changing and looking for new ways to be a better person, better disciple. That’s what life is all about, I think. I continue to pray for guidance and to be changed with full knowledge that often, the path can be painful, but better to change than to stay the same, not improving.

I hope my journey is at least a little helpful for people. Wishing you a wonderfully blessed life and may you have no gaps!

Most sincerely,

CD1

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